Breaking News
17-year-old Canadian Student Bludgeoned to Death Over Registration Mishap
PHILADELPHIA (AP) - The body of freshman engineering student Jean-Claude DuPont was found in the UPS trailer by the historic Quadrangle this morning. His death is believed to be the result of a freak encounter with a group of disgruntled voting registrars. Witnesses of the crime claim that DuPont was approached around 2 p.m. by a particularly aggressive Obama supporter who demanded identification and hope. DuPont's only form of identification, a Rhode Island driver's license under the name "Paco Ramirez," cited his age as 22. The registrar grew irate despite DuPont's repeated attempts to assert his non-citizenship. A mob of 20 quickly surrounded the young man and bystanders assumed it was a run-of-the-mill gang-bang and turned a blind eye. Police Commissioner Johnson was quoted as saying, "We've detected a definite pattern of clipboard-related beatings throughout the tri-state area. Keep your doors locked and your children indoors until November." Forensic reports indicate blunt trauma was the cause of death, though excessive paper cuts may have led to hemorrhaging. Change of address forms stuffed in DuPont's major orifices have prevented an open-casket funeral. Donations can be made to the Canadian Consulate.
MEET THE REGISTRARS
Homeless man
About the registrar: Tom is an avid registrar, though he himself has never had a permanent residence, or even a social security number. He enjoys sunny days, empty boxes and Cormac McCarthy novels.
Who does he support? "I can't support anyone, that's the problem! But if I had to choose, gotta be Reagan."
Why does he care? "The democratic process is the stronghold of this country, and its integrity depends on strong voter turnout among the youth of today. My friends, I was raised by a single white mother. I consider myself a bit of a maverick. I once had to hide my pregnancy. Fellow Americans, yes we can - register to vote, that is, by signing this clipboard. I also found this shit on the floor and thought I could pawn it."
What is his hot button issue this election? "Change. I could really use some."
Penn Quaker
About the registrar: Quaker is a 6'5" muscle-y mass of mascot. Residing in University City, he spends his time working on his handspring backflips and protesting the Iraq war.
Who does he support? "[holds up 'Go Penn!' sign]"
Why did he get involved? "[high five!]"
What is the hot button issue for this election? "Fuck bitches, get money."
The Earth
About the registrar: The Earth is the third planet from the sun. Its surface is about 80% water, and its population is 6 billion. It's the only planet in the solar system that is known to have intelligent life forms.
Who does it support? "I support the candidate who keeps my best interests at heart. Who isn't willing to drill me. Who recognizes that I'm in dire need of renewable energy sources. Who cares about my children's health and education, who won't wage war on my soil and who, for crying out loud, is not a Republican."
Why does it care? "Even on the geological timescale, I just can't face four more years of this crap. And I lived through three plagues and Rent. It's absurd."
Hot button issue this election? "Listen, Sarah Palin. Take it from me: dinosaurs are older than you think. Everyone here in the solar system thinks you're a jackass. even Uranus"
