This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014
10:06 AM: “Hollaback Girl”—Gwen Stefani
I wake up and it’s the day of my SUPER SWEET 16! This party’s gonna be WILD – it’s gonna be bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
11:11 AM: “I’m A Believer” — Smash Mouth
Who says I have to wait for the birthday cake to make a wish? Who says I need to make a wish at all? I know this party is gonna go my way.
3:10 PM: “True Friend”—Hannah Montana
It’s already 3 p.m! My BFFL Emily is on her way over to help set up—but if this bitch looks better than me she is SOOO not getting to light her candle.
4:31 PM: “Buttons”—The Pussycat Dolls
Gotta head over to the venue at 5 p.m! I can’t wait any longer to put my dress on! It better fit right or I’ll make Daddy beat up this “Georgio Armani” guy.
5:58 PM: “Over My Head”—The Fray
Anyone who’s anyone in tenth grade is supposed to arrive, like, right now...
6:09 PM: “Pump It” — Black Eyed Peas
Where is everyone?????????
6:15 PM: “Party Like a Rockstar”—Shop Boyz
My first guests are here! There’s Rachel, there’s Adam, and...is that Jake? Oh my god, he’s coming over here, oh my god!
6:50 PM: “Cupid’s Chokehold”—Gym Class Heroes
I’m the center of everyone’s attention! Mesmerizing all the boys with my beauty!! Jake and I are dancing and his hair looks so smooth...and his blue eyes...
7:00 PM: “Lips of an Angel”—Hinder
My first kiss! With the cutest boy in tenth grade! I can’t wait to BBM Kelly! This is the best Sweet Sixteen anyone has ever had!
7:05 PM: “Ain’t No Other Man”— Christina Aguilera
Our first child is going to be named Ashley, like Ashley Tisdale...and we’re going to live in Monaco...and we’ll have a beach wedding on horseback...
7:30 PM: “SOS”—Rihanna
And when our grandchildren come over for Christmas...wait, is Jake kissing Emily now? At my party?!!?
7:37 PM: “Cha Cha Slide Part 2”—Mr. C The Slide Man
TURN THIS SHIT OFF I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!
7:37 PM: “Lip Gloss” — Lil Mama
Who cares about Jake anyway? He’s out of the court. I look fabulous and I have to get ready for candle lighting.
8:00 PM: “Big Girls Don’t Cry” — Fergie
My friends said the NICEST things about me!! Now Mom’s bringing out the birthday cake! GET THESE TEARS OFF MY FACE.
8:10 PM: “SHUT UP & DRIVE” —Rihanna
OH MY GOD!!! THE BIRTHDAY CAKE HAD CAR KEYS INSIDE!! I LOVE YOU DADDY!!!!!!!!
9:30 PM: “SexyBack” —Justin Timberlake
Taking rides around the block in my hot pink Corvette. See ya later party...
9:40 PM: “Irreplaceable”—Beyoncé
This night has made me realize that my family is the most important to me, and I can never replace them (but I can replace my hot pink Corvette if I crash it because daddy got me insurance).
10:00 PM: “Bye Bye Bye” — NSYNC
I just want to thank everyone for coming tonight and I hope you enjoy your goodie bags! I love everyone so much!!!!! Besides Emily. That bitch can go drop herself in a box to the left.
