Is your bubbe worried about her baby going hungry in college? Fear not, bubbe! Penn offers an array of dining options. It’s never going to be good but it’s always going to be risky!


You’ll go to Commons but you’re not going to be happy about it. Used condom or piece of chicken? A fun dinner-party game exclusively available at Commons. At least it’s never fully lit, so you’ll save yourself the trauma of getting a good look at what you’re noshing on.


“Hill is better!” You’ll hear this from the first day you’re at Penn. It’s something everyone decided to say to make Hill residents feel better about living in a Soviet prison. Let them have it. Hill brunch is a Penn staple, however. 

You can use it to cure your hangover or keep the party going and BYO everclear mimosas.


The darkest hole of dining on Penn’s campus, nay, the world. Anyone in there has lost the will to live, or is too hungover to make it to Hill. McClelland is a good model for a world where Voldemort wins and Harry is too cracked out to fight him.


Teriyaki bowls + insomnia + your fucked rewards system = an easy way to gain the freshman 15. 

And long lunch lines are the perfect opportunity to spend more time staring at your phone until you lose all ability to empathize. 

Tortas Fronteras

Mexican food by someone who has clearly never eaten Mexican food. But the SABSing makes up for it all. And if you don’t know what that means yet you should transfer.


Ah Hillel, a diamond in the rough. Even though it’s closed every other day first semester for “holidays” it’s a real Adonai–send. Forget that it’s more expensive than anywhere else on campus, the fries are dope and where else are you going to find pastrami? Get to know the rabbis and you can even tell your parents you’ve been going to temple. You might even meet a soul mate with the same wrap order. No, eating here does not exclude you from going on Birthright.

King's Court/English House

Is this a real place on Penn's campus or an anglophile sex dungeon? Let us know.


Lyn's is the food truck we need not the one we deserve. If everyone had Lyn's we'd probably have world peace. Probably.


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