Cockroaches are the new quinoa. Looking for a superfood that'll revamp your body and help keep your room clean? You're in luck—cockroach clusters are the hottest superfood trending on campus right now. 

Even Penn's dining halls have caught on to this culinary sensation. These delightful treats have created a demand for cockroaches on and around campus, leading administration officials to clean up the dorms, common areas and dining halls in search of the crawling critters. University President Amy Gutmann cited the high nutritional value of cockroaches and Penn's general love of dipping shit in chocolate as reasons to make Cockroach Clusters a staple on freshmen meal plans. 

Cockroach clusters are also proven to help students perform better on tests. After consuming these creatures, students have demonstrated the ability to perform better a Felix Felices spell, leading to higher test scores and interview success rates. College junior Mary Dryplant gushes, “I just think they are such a great snack to have on the go and have so many benefits. The only thing I hate is that the quality of roaches in Commons is way below standard. Penn dining needs to do better.” 

Next time you're in Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s be on the lookout for this new Superfood. You can find them for about seven Galleons per pound and near Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. 


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