HAPPY DRUNK Junk Food Crackdown. Some states have decided to attack candy and soda consumption in schools. Apparently, the War on Drugs wasn't enough--now the motherfuckers have to attack the munchies.
U.N. Race Summit. Europe apologizes for the slave trade. Bush Sr., riding on a wave of nostalgia for CIA days, suggests distributing crack to his "little brown ones" as a means of attaining equality.
Environmentalism. Starbucks has vowed to stop ravaging the rainforest for coffee. Meanwhile, 250 Wharton Students mourn the loss of Finance 441: Shady Dealings and Nature Rape.
SAT Scores. Men score higher. It's now clear that the tests are biased; there are no questions about cooking a chicken-pot-pie or bringing a man his slippers.
THAT GUY
U.S. News Rankings. Penn remains below Princeton, Harvard and Yale. Too bad--Judy Rodin likes to be on top.
Jerry Falwell, on WTC attacks. "The pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians.... I point the finger in their face and say, `You helped this happen.'" It's funny how an agent of the Devil can pass for a man of God.
FCC. The Bush Administration is trying to repeal a law that prevents massive conglomerates from controlling the media. NBC News at 10 later reported that Tammy Churchill of Wayne, Pa., found her dog after half a day of mild to intense worry.
