There is nothing more embarrassing than bringing that special someone home for a night of sex and finding that your roommates have transformed your room into a storage closet for their soiled unmentionables and a recycled tampon factory run by Canadian orphans. I mean, finding four infants from Quebec strewn about the floor crying in something resembling French because tampons aren't supposed to be recycled just does not light my loins.
At some point, all girls must have found themselves in this predicament with their boyfriends: all horned up with no place to blow.
So where can you and your boy-toy go to get it on when your place doesn't quite evoke the right mood? Don't remove that orange peel yet, for there is a solution. Thanks to Judith Rodin, Penn's rich and diverse campus offers a variety of answers to this extremely urgent problem. Come, read on.
If you're looking for stimulating privacy, your best bet is to head over to the Wharton library, located on the third floor of Van Pelt. Since Wharton students can't read anything without "Product Life-Cycle" or "Youth Libertine Labor Force" in the title, they tend to avoid books, as well as social settings like libraries. You and your lover will be able to get busy (see "busy" sounds like "business") while perusing such famous articles as "Smells like Unity" and "Marketing Hot Pants."
Affirm your Quaker spirit. Go read and blew.
Now, if you find that you and your lover are a little more adventurous, you should head over to Franklin Field. There, you will find plenty of tools aiding your sexual needs. For example, you can find field hockey sticks, latex gloves and vats and vats of vaseline. Actually, that's all from the School of Engineering (because they so freaky). But I think the athletic facilities provide choice resources, too. With these accessories and the refreshing outdoor atmosphere, you will find how easy it is to score at Franklin Field. Do it for the home team.
Thanks to Penn's initiative to keep abreast with the latest technology, most lecture halls are equipped with large black boxes, filled with a magical underworld of colored wires and other audio-visual-computer-related stuff. Mount these boxes with your loved one, turn on all the equipment and get turned on yourself as you enjoy a free vibrating bed. This pulsating pad will make your heartthrob happy to invest in your machinery.
As you can see, numerous hot spots on Penn's Campus provide an intimate environment for your copulation habitation. And if all else fails, one can always go solo under the button. Good luck and keep screwing up.
Erin Stiles-Papoff is a College senior. A former member of the Sigma Tau Delta sorority, Stiles-Papoff was forced to deactivate after the Tabasco and mustard soup incident. Besides, she did not shake hands correctly and her pants weren't even black. Remember, it is all about power. She is now a proud member of I Phelta Thi. Her cat's name is Shmoopie.
