You might think American plumbological scientists have developed the finest and most advanced toilets in the world in reaction to colon-cramming American diets of hoagies, hamburgers and pizza. Think again: sushi moves the bowels — and the advancement of toilet-technology — more than buffalo wings. The following component-by-component comparison between archaic American toilets and advanced Japanese toilets will prove that your ass isn't getting the geisha-quality treatment it deserves.
Toilet Seats:
• American toilet seats are usually made of plain, boring plastic. Some older toilets, however, still have porcelain seats that make you feel like you're sitting on your mom's rare china and shitting into a bowl of matzoh-ball soup. And worse, some newer toilets have disgusting foam seats that depress with the weight of your butt cheeks and feel like Nerf turbo footballs under your ass. Neither of these toilet seat options dignify the American anus.
• Japanese toilet manufacturers, however, know that the anus deserves tender caresses. Japanese toilets offer all the seat options we're used to, plus seat warmers, massage seats, automatic lid-lifters and slow-closing seats engineered not to slam down. This last feature is important. Imagine you're a midget and you have a monstrous horse-wang, and you live in America, and have a heavy porcelain toilet seat, and you have just finished emptying your monstrous horse-wang, and the toilet seat accidentally slams on top of your monstrous horse-wang. You'd wish you lived in Japan.
Toilet Bowls:
• The American toilet bowl usually contains only a select few things: water, sometimes a blue mint-thing, urine and feces (which, as we all know, come in many varieties: logs, driblets, smaller ball-shaped turds, larger ball-shaped bombardier turds that splash your ass when they hit the water at high-velocity, diarrhea, Ed's wingarrhea, Taco Bell quesarrhea, etc.).
• Japanese toilet bowls offer more technologically advanced bowl-ingredients: front and rear warm-water sprays, built-in bidet, heated air-dryer, air deodorization and a permanent antibacterial glaze that kills common types of bacteria and inhibits the growth of others. You know the toilet at 7-Eleven that's drenched in diarrhea? You could lick it without getting sick if it were Japanese.
Toilet Tanks:
• American toilet tanks are simple: they contain only water and a metal rod that connects the float to the flush knob. When you flush the toilet, the water drains out of the tank and the float dips down and then rises slowly back to its original position as water flows back into the tank.
• Japanese toilet tanks utilize similar principles, but are known for both power and efficiency. An advanced Japanese toilet could take down a Brontosaurus bowel movement, while using only 1.6 gallons of water to do so.
In addition to the amazing amenities already mentioned, Japanese toilets honor their masters' asses with dignified functions like a button that makes discreet flushing sounds to cover unpleasant excretion noises, and a digital clock that indicates how long you've been in the bathroom (Japanese never stray from their high-powered business meetings for too long). Japanese toilets also reflect the ancient tradition of respecting the elderly by offering units with armrests and ejection devices that make it easier to get off the seat. And Japanese toilet-technologists are racing into the future by developing models that can analyze urine samples to detect diseases and measure for healthy levels of nutrients. American toilets suck ass. Wouldn't you rather shit on a toilet that gently and comfortably licks ass?
