Not everyone can carry the weight of the world. Unfortunately as the sole representatives of culture on this campus, this burden often falls on our shoulders.
Throughout our 34 years of existence, we have dropped hints, names and occasionally bombs as to how you might attain an inkling of coolness. Some of you have listened. Others have not, probably because you were too busy shopping at Ann Taylor Loft.
However, sometimes we just have to spell it out. My friends tell me that I like giving orders. I have no clue what they're talking about. But when you spent the sick days of your childhood with a bell resting on your bedside table to ring your housekeeper, what do you expect? Don't blame me. Blame my parents.
For anyone who is curious as to who is the cr‚me de la cr‚me of the Senior class at Penn, take a gander at the opposite page. In one page, Street distills the entire senior class down to its elite core. Some made the list because they're brilliant. Some made the list because they're extracurricular whores. Some made the list because they're sluts. Some made the list because they're universally hated. And some made the lists because they're our friends. What? Did you think we were going to remain objective throughout the entire ordeal?
Ever since I took over this publication in January, I've been verbally accosted about this list of the Penn aristocracy. In the past, critics have bemoaned the list as "neither cultural nor elite." But they're just bitter for not making the cut. At parties, I find myself backed into a corner as my peers yell at me, "I better be in Cultural Elite this year!" Others have been a little more blunt. "If you don't put me in Cultural Elite, our friendship is over." Um...thanks, you mean SO much to me too. But then again, I can't really complain. Feigned self-importance and faux celebrity status outweigh the stress of one page of content.
In response to all the thousands who didn't make the list: $500 will secure you a spot on the Cultural Elite supplement, slated for release sometime next semester. Not that I have to worry about those angry kids anyway. To steal a line from my predecessor: "A curious thing will happen tomorrow: Everyone who isn't on this list will be vaporized." Happy trails.
