"How are you feeling about finals?"

I think you are not studying enough, and believe that if I remind you about them every day you will magically do better.

"You look so...cozy in that sweatshirt."

I'm worried that your wardrobe is entirely grey sweats.

"Your friends seem so...alternative!"

Please tell me you ditched those girls with tattoos and piercings we noticed in your freshman year Facebook album.

"This year, I'm thankful for everyone being together around the table"

...for the first time since last July, because you refused to come home for Fall Break and now I'm bitter but refuse to acknowledge it and will continue to make passive aggressive remarks over turkey stuffing until the atmosphere congeals better than the slightly watery but still definitely edible cranberry Jell–O.

*Loudly, so guests can hear* "So how's that really hard computer science course going? Haha, those Ivy classes!"

Sorry, just want to make sure—did everyone hear that? My daughter goes to Penn! She's really smart and successful and she's going to make a lot of money in tech and I will continue to remind everyone about it pointedly until I am left out of family gathering invite lists and the extended family discusses me behind my back, and even then I will probably not stop. 

"Do you want me to make you a doctor’s appointment while you're home?"

Do you have STDs?

"You feeling OK?"

Do you have STDs?

"Want some soup?"

Do you have STDs?