Religious Shoutouts: everything you ever wanted to tell Penn, religiously.
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Satan, your history class despises you; we'd be indescribably grateful if you just shut the fuck up and never, EVER spoke again, you snobbish, devilish, patronizing, low-talking, ass-kissing, awful, awful, awful bitch.
Freshman Pharisee player and Jezebel who were naked in Pontius P-zilot's bed Saturday: We're sorry we barged in and fucked with you while you were hooking up. But not really, it was fun.
To my fellow Jews: Loosen up!
Pope John Paul II: please let my first communion include eating your body and drinking your blood.
Butt sweats are for lesbians and anti-Semites.
To the girl who laughs at Deuteronomy 3:15, Tim likes you more than just friends.
Mormons: Cut that shit out. You are freaking everybody out.
Jesus, the pseudo-hippy with wavy hair: stop saying hello to me. You suck and your hair makes you look like a mayo-tard. Go back to Nazareth.
People who exalt The Da Vinci Code as modern day scripture: You're not intelligent. And the book sucks. -- God
Sister Mary Louise: Why'd you always yell at me?
To my obscenely homoerotic group of friends: I am sick of seeing you naked at parties. -- Jesus
I wish I were you.
Males of this school: why do you always assume that gods want a relationship? You'd be surprised to find how many of gods would love to have a friend with benefits. We're not asking you to call us all the time, just that you show genuine interest. Otherwise, what's the point? Gods get themselves off better than you can, anyway.
Hey Jews for Jesus: MAKE UP YOUR CIRCUMCISED MINDS!
Socrates: look in the fucking mirror! You're Greek, not Jewish! So stop dancing at bat mitzvahs!
Boy with the crown of thorns in my film class: the studious virgin with secretary glasses is not as conservative as you think. Ask me out. You'll see.
Yo rosary-waggling sisters: stop entering Church with cum on your face. We only play fast at the convent.
Boys who look like girls and girls who look like boys: You rock my world.
Hey guy who wears all that Burberry: Why you wear so much Burberry?
To the dickwad who stole my crucifix: give it back, fucker. It's not funny. And hey roommate, if I find out it was you who took it, I'm outing you to your parents. Seriously.
To Krystal C: Thanks to you I realize the error of my ways. A yogurt-licking sinner no more, I want to bask in the warm glow of your eternal Godly acceptance. Please come introduce yourself, and let's choose love.
WWJD? Are we still dating or not? If we are, call me. If not, have the balls to break up with me.
Voice of a thousand angels, why don't you come by my place and we'll form a covenant of our own.
Cum sancto spiritu et Gloria dei patris. Et in terra pax.
ATTN Buddha who always runs at Pottruck on the fifth treadmill in: Stop wearing purple spandex.
Hey St. Agatha-St. James 10 p.m. choir: You guys rock it out Jesusy style. If only you'd replaced that smelly kid who sings the Alleluia. If pedophilia doesn't drive Catholics away from the church, Mr. McStinkerton surely will.
To the guy who smells like vinegar. I heart you.
Why won't Provost Barchi go to Sunday brunch with me?
Father, sitting at your right hand is fun, but if you really want to please me, you can set your right hand on me.
Mommacita, blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus Sanchez.
Friars: you have the hottest girls on campus.
Faith + 1: Give me a break, I wasn't born again yesterday.
Christotrash: You weren't born in Bethlehem. And you're not even Christian. We went to the same Hebrew school. Do us all a favor and get rid of the intentionally ripped robes and the Michael Jackson gloves.
Hey agnostics: I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm God.
Thou shalt not kill.
To that girl who laughed when I whipped it out last night: David beat Goliath. Think on that one.
Joshua: please fight my battles of Jericho and my uterine walls won't come a tumblin' down.
Handel: You're my King of kings.
