Despite its age (2000+ years) and length (not airport reading), the Bible still has some use beyond "doorstop" and "guilt trip."
For a start, without the Holy Book Jehovah's Witnesses would have to get real jobs and televangelists would be stuck selling cellulite cream on QVC. We'd have no Catholic Church, and therefore no child-molesting bishops to upstage Michael Jackson on CNN. We'd surely be lost as a society without Biblically-derived pop culture gems such as Jesus Christ Superstar and Sister Act II: Back in the Habit. Most importantly, the discerning traveler would suffer: without his little blue Gideon's Bible in the motel drawer, he would have to resort to sacrilegious Pay-Per-View channels for entertainment, and let me tell you, Jenna Jameson is no Virgin Mary.
All that said, reading the Bible is about as much fun as farting in church. Cover to cover, the book makes less sense than Rev. Al Sharpton For President.
There are plenty of successful books with multiple authors on the market, some almost rivaling the Bible's #1 Bestseller Ever status (another helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul, anyone?). The mysterious men who contributed to the Bible should have at least sat down for a conference before putting pen to scroll. Note to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John: thanks for boring me senseless with the same convoluted story over and over again. Your editor either had cataracts or was easily amused, as you endlessly repeated yourselves and each other. As for plausibility: okay, I've seen some miracles in my life -- Carnie Wilson's massive weight loss springs to mind -- but the only way Jesus could have fed thousands with a couple of bread loaves is if all the Jews at that wedding were on Atkins.
As far as Genesis is concerned, I'm surprised those 60's feminists didn't add this chauvinistic introductory chapter to the bonfire along with their bras and razors. Sure, Bible authors, blame everything on Eve. Make her the moron who "eats the apple" and "talks to the snake" -- I see through your sexual euphemisms. Making Eve accountable for original sin was about as responsible as Courtney Love's parenting.
The Holy Bible might float Brother Stephen's boat, but it didn't do anything for me. Pass the Jackie Collins and a daiquiri, please -- I prefer sin.
