We here at Street care about your moral well-being. We also know that some of you have been sucked way too far into the doomed world of celebrity. That's why we have taken the effort to compile this list of celebrities we do and do not endorse. In order to demonstrate the purity or pure evil of some of these so called "celebs," we have taken quotes directly from them to teach all of you a lesson: fame does not equal moral purity. Take that advice, and plan your lives accordingly.
By Mother Theresa and friends
On Hell -- Hell is not to be played with. That is, unless you want to rot there tied up in the fire while tarantulas eat your eyeballs, and trolls play with your feet, as these two celebrities surely will.
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
-- Jim Carrey --
"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable."
-- HG Wells -- author
On the Pope -- You mess with the Pope, and you will never make it to Street's cultural elite. Enough said.
"I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album."
-- Rita Rudner -- actress
"Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!"
-- George Bernard Shaw -- author
On Church and The Bible -- Since we are quite sure all you Penn kids are regular church-goers and read your bibles before bed, we know you won't turn out like these sinners.
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."
-- George Burns -- comedian
"The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs."
-- Bill Maher -- comedian
On God -- Whether you think you are God, or you use our Lord's name in vain, we despise you, you sick, disgusting, extra-toed freaks. (That last one was meant for you -- you know who you are. Pig.)
"I can do anything. One of these days I'll be so complete I won't be a human. I'll be a god."
-- John Denver -- musician
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
--Peter O'Toole -- his name says it all
"God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful."
-- Donna Summer -- disco queen
"In the beginning there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light,' and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
-- Dave Thomas -- Wendy's founder
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'"
--Stephen King - author
"Thank God I'm an atheist."
-- Luis Bunuel -- writer and director
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno -- talk show host
On Being Jewish -- We here at Street have nothing against Jewish people. In fact, we love them. If they are destined to eternal damnation, that's clearly their own business.
"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night."
-- Woody Allen -- pervert
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
-- Joan Rivers -- mother of Melissa Rivers (Tabard alum)
Evil -- not even "On Evil," but just evil. We hate you Michael Moore... if that's your real name, Mephistophiles.
"There' a gullible side to the American people. They can be easily misled. Religion is the best device used to mislead them. People are easily manipulated and we have disastrous media."
-- Michael Moore -- general controversial figure and filmmaker
Dumb - We threw this one in just to let you know that we spoke to God, and he said he takes absolutely no responsibility for this one.
"I can't think of a better way to spread the message of world peace than by working with the NFL and being part of Super Bowl XXVII."
-- Michael Jackson -- freak extraordinaire
The Saints -- They are the few and the proud, but somehow amongst the madness we found some quality devotion to the Lord (oh, and one Jew who is clearly a Christian in disguise -- the clever sonufabitch).
"It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher."
-- Linda Evangelista --
"I despise those shallow religious comics. Dennis the Menace, for instance, is the most shallow. When they show him praying -- I just can't stand that sort of thing, talking to God about some cutesy thing that he'd done during the day. I don't think Hank Ketcham [Dennis' creator] has any deep knowledge of things like that."
-- Charles Schultz -- Peanuts creator
"'Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.' I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
-- Jon Stewart -- comedian