We've all done things we regret. President Bush did something he regrets, and now he's president of the United States instead of commmisioner of Major League Baseball. Britney Spears got her marriage annulled. Pamela Anderson regrets getting hepatitis -- apparently she doesn't regret Tommy Lee, but who can blame her? R. Kelly videotaped himself engaging in acts that should never happen outside of a bathroom unless you're drunk and pissing on a cop car -- with a 14-year-old. Not that he regrets the act. He probably just regrets the videotape.
Me, I joined a fraternity.
Now, don't get me wrong -- I don't entirely regret the decision I made in those heady days of freshman year. This year, and the next, I live with eight brothers from my fraternity. Of course, five of us are deactive and one was kicked out, but we did become friends because of the fraternity. Also, I drank free for a year. And of course, naive freshman girls thought I was cool, which was completely untrue, but very useful.
Don't think I'm going to be one of those snotty assholes who join a fraternity and then act like they're somehow separate from the teeming masses of frat boys. I've seen all too many people stick their noses up at the whole idea of fraternities -- the "brotherhood," the parties, the hazing, the drinking -- and then devolve quickly into the stereotypical member of their particular fraternity, all the while with their noses still held high at the rest of us. Let me make this clear -- I do not believe that I'm better than the rest of the Greeks at Penn.
Just smarter.
I guess I'm thinking about this because spring is coming, and with it are coming all the traditional signs of pledging. Girls are carrying lunchboxes and wearing tags that say, "Kiss me -- I'm a freshman" (By the way: don't. I tried it once. They don't appreciate it. And that is why I now have a lazy eye.). Guys are walking around looking more tired, drunk and stupid than usual.
So I thought, having been there myself once, that I'd offer a little advice. First of all, don't swallow any goldfish. Also, don't allow yourself to be branded. Definitely do not engage in any sexual acts with a dog. Drink. A lot. Hell, it's free. Plus, it'll make swallowing a goldfish, getting branded and blowing Fido seem a lot more fun.
And hey, if it doesn't work out, you can always quit and come work for Street. Our pledging doesn't involve dogs -- only horses.
It tastes so good when it hits your lips,
