The other night I was drunkenly messaging people on Facebook, listening to some Pixies and wildly vomiting into my trash can, when it suddenly occurred to me that I don't get the term 'hipster.'
Does anybody really know what this word means? Does it mean you're really into indie rock and movies? Does it mean you play in a band ... or even better, a fake band? Do you like art, smoke cloves and avoid eating meat? Do you heart John Cusack? Are you a general misanthrope?
Some people have referred to me as a hipster, and while I think it generally has been in jest, I suppose this wouldn't be funny if it were not somewhat grounded in reality.
So I am forced to turn to my pet koala, Dr. Humperdink, and ask him why this is. Dr. Humperdink can't talk, but I like to imagine that he would offer me the following advice: "Stay in school."
So much for Dr. Humperdink. At least I do know that being a hipster in no way means being original. Allow me to clarify the triforce of hackneyed hipster humor: robots, pirates and ninjas. Why is it considered hilarious every time these things are mentioned? I think I know four different people with the word robot in their screen names. Hipsters do get one thing right, though -- monkeys are always funny. Especially monkeys who play in fake bands -- just like that old cartoon Jem.
Given the knack of trends to diffuse socially, how long can something remain hip before its co-opted by the supposedly mindless masses? In reality, conventions are hackey-sacked from one group to another: things that were once awful become ironic, and things that were ironic just go back to being awful. Just think, when did it ever used to be cool to push a lawnmower to class? Now you're a complete loser if you're caught without your grass-guillotine and a fresh tank of gas. Soon though, this will be out and everyone will just be back to traveling to class on their tractors, just as our forefathers did.
So does being hipster mean being cool? Most people I know who might be labeled as hipsters have several of the following traits: they go to bed early, read in their rooms a lot, hate dancing, prefer generic to name brands and like to watch a lot of HBO. The only conclusion I can arrive at is that is the word hipster is in fact a misnomer for 'middle-aged.'
Stop calling other people hipsters, and if you are ever christened as one, just tell all offending persons that they should shut up and focus on their crocheting circles. Get busy listening to Sonic Youth, buying used clothing and telling your friends that they need to see Donnie Darko. If anyone thinks you're lame or a pretentious asshole, tell them John Brooks is going to kill them armed only with his black glasses and a can of Pabst. Hoo-haw!
On a basically unrelated note, and I mean this when I say it, please add me to your friend list on your Facebook profile. I'm feeling a little lonely ... lonely and hungry.
