Media can be used as an instrument for change.The very week we print our incendiary critique of the arguably insufficient "Four or Fewer" campaign in the March 18th issue of Street, the Office of Health Education changes its message to "Take Your Time," as seen in its ubiquitous advertising printed in our parent paper, The Daily Pennsylvanian.
Did the OHE sense the growing awareness of a newly informed student body? Or does recent data now show that you people are sloppy, disgusting drunks? Thus, four or fewer will not cut it anymore. And "Fourteen or Fewer" just does not convey the proper point.
I guess, it is possibly, maybe just maybe, arguable that the OHE coincidentally decided to introduce an additional campaign in its advocacy against binging the very same day we published our drinking diatribe a fortnight ago. Whatever.
So, the new campaign stars three turtles and a rabbit enjoying two very different nights out on the town. Or is it? (Please see our artist's rendition of the newest OHE adverts.)
In our ever-present pursuit of integrity in reporting, I would like to raise some questions regarding this newest comic-advertisement. While the message to curtail your drinking to about one every hour seems about right, certain elements in this new comic present other messages of dubious nature.
We initially see three turtles enjoying some beer. But why are the mugs as large as the turtles' heads? Isn't the safety of cutting drinking to one per hour negated when one simply advances to much larger containers?
I am on to your deception, OHE. Is this how you plan to reclaim the "Four or Fewer" mantra? I mean, yeah, I guess I'll start drinking four or fewer, but four or fewer keg-sized drinks in the span of four hours still leaves me urinating all over my roommate's bed and calling my grandmother to blame her for "losing" my hamster when my family traveled to Greece. Bitch.
And poker? Is the OHE now endorsing gambling? Trading one vice for another simply doesn't solve the problem. I suspect that the opportunistic Office of Health Education is now trying to stick its failures in curbing students' sins on the Office of Gambling Education (hereafter known as the OGE). On behalf of the OHE, I apologize to the OGE.
Also, who the hell can hold a mug of beer and a limbo stick at the same time? Now the OHE is just lying because that shit's impossible. Furthermore, turtles can't limbo! Turtles cannot limbo!
Finally, and this is a matter of the utmost gravity, but how do the turtles know the rabbit? They originally seem to run in different crews, but inexplicably the two seem to meet up by the end of our story. Was the rabbit invited to the turtles' party, or did he just stumble in drunkenly after binging by himself before? I would like to introduce the argument that the turtles, who are only slightly buzzed because they've been regulating their libations, finished their poker match and then wanted to have a little fun of the sexual variety. It's too bad that they came across the shit-faced rabbit.
Where are the turtles taking the rabbit? How do we know the two turtles aren't taking advantage of the drunken rabbit? Turtles are notorious predators, and this issue cannot be overlooked so frivolously. I refuse to stand idle as these rapacious reptiles lock unsuspecting rabbits in their horny nosed harem of debauching.
Silly rabbit. Rather, should I say silly turtles? Or, is this the work of a silly OHE? Silly OHE, indeed.
