To the Mexican from your Jew - After mucho petting and taco-flavored kisses, we're going to do the horizontal salsa and make babies named Latke, Gefilte Fish and Cheech & Chong.
Hey I saw you two Saturdays ago at a Phi Delt party. You looked like a pretty Kirsten Dunst with a turquoise skirt on. How the fuck have I never seen you before at Penn? Maybe I should hang out more often at frat parties or maybe you should come to the 34th Street crush party on Friday and we can...
Cecilia - this isn't so much a shoutout as it is an intervention. You are a fucking space cadet. Get it together. For our sake.
Penn - Please learn to chew with your mouth closed. I don't care what your Wharton GPA is, you'll never get a job spitting all over your interviewer at a lunch date. Besides, it's just good manners.
Trendy vans-checkered wearing Asian boy - You are a juxtaposition waiting to be banged by me.
To the tall, slim hottie who I've seen playing frisbee on College Green and whose eye I've caught in HRS - You should come introduce yourself to the blonde on the 5th floor.
Ethics Boy - I always see you when I'm drunk and call you Ethics Boy because you were in my ethics class. You're a cutie and I'm single now. Let's get down and philosophize, baby.
The nosy bitch who thinks she can break us up - It's not gonna work. Fuck you and watch your back.
Bucks - Stay open past 9, idiots.
Hot Dental Student Adam: Can I floss my teeth with your pubic hair?
Dear girl in the bathroom by St. Mark's Caf‚ who flagrantly did not wash her hands - Next time I see you, I'm going to tape a sign to your back that says, "Kick me, I could give you hepatitis."
To the blonde scoop artist at Ben and Jerry's - Even though it scares me that you look like you've been electrocuted, I'd like to thank you for pretending not to notice that I frequent your store daily.
Peggy Curchack - Thank you for e-mailing me about the careers in Costa Rican economics for students of color who enjoy hopscotch and group-masturbation symposium. Not only did I find my dream job, but there was an awesome cheese and cracker spread.
Freshman fifteen - Why are you still here?
To Wiggles - Why don't I still call you Wiggles? From now on you will only be known as Wiggles. Love, Wiggles.
To the girl who I liked freshman year - What was I thinking? I saw you last month and you had a HUGE head!
To everyone giving shit out on Locust Walk - Go away. We don't want your shit.
To Vaughn, the ex-security guard at Upper Quad Gate - No matter how many drunk girls you let in that can't remember the last four digits of their social, they will NEVER hook up with you.
Daylight Savings Time - Thank you for stealing an hour of my life, you bitch. I hate you.
Jen Klein - Wake us up before you go-go. Don't leave us hanging on like a yo-yo. Wake us up before you go-go. Cause we're not planning on going solo. -Two Jews looking for a good design.
To Tall White White Guy in St. A's who wears Reds: Why are you so White? Can we have sex in the bathroom at your country club?
To Qdoba Laci - You are the ray of sunshine in my life.
Korean with purple glasses - you're cuter than cow pajamas and buttons.
Dear Babies sliding down the button - Stop it. That's disgusting. Don't you know people have sex on that thing? Come back when you're eleven.
Dear Penn Boys - I have straightened my hair and made myself puke everyday since I've been here. How come you don't like me?
So what if I rejected you - I hate your stupid machismo bullshit. Get over yourself.
To all the girls who tell Alex they have crushes on me - I'm not bi, but I wish I was.
To my Singaporean in Singapore - Why are you in Singapore?
To that sweet little biscuit from Duxbury - You complete me.
To the person who decided bursar needed to end two months early for seniors - I hate you.
To the Save the Children and Greenpeace people - I am no longer going to hang my head and mumble that I'm in a hurry. I'm on my way to Douglas to buy $20 eye shadow. And don't you dare make me feel guilty for it.
OK, here's the deal. Close the fucking door when you pee. I don't want to see your tiny penis and I don't want to hear your farts. You make me want to vomit.
To my favorite six-foot, All-American Iowan - You're hotter than Sec Taylor Stadium during a mid-August double-header! Summer II should be a blast...LET'S GO CUBBIES (-clap, clap, clap, clap-)!
To the sophomore guys who think seniors girls don't want to hook up with them - We do. We're so over that age thing.
To the next tenants of 4040 Sansom - Stop being pricks or I'll kick all your asses. You're driving my girlfriend nuts.
Girl on the Facebook who is kissing in her photo and has bible quotes in her profile - Please don't change.
AC - Please, please believe that I had a crush on you last year. You are my shining star.
To the girl who keeps pointing out every mistake I make in class and laughing when she looks at me - Is this your idea of flirting or are you just reminding me I'm a complete dumbass?
Dear Burberry's Fag Hag with the little dog - Cut that shit out. You scare me. If you're gonna put on all that make-up, then stop wearing those damned sweat pants.
Oh Street - The week doesn't start till Thursday morning! Like a 4 year old on Christmas Day, I run to the newspaper stand in anticipation, my cheeks flushed in utter excitement, and there you are!!! Ah, but 'tis the end, and this is my last chance ... I'm yours, let's reproduce like bunnies on speed.
Hot Asian mamas (R and J) - You girls rock my world like a naughty pony. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have lost my v-card and experienced the best 24 hour orgasm of my life. I LOVE YOU GIRLIES!
To the big guy on the men's crew team - I heard you got a little gherkin ... that's disappointing. I would have guessed at least nine inches. It's OK, though, your teammate more than made up for it.
To the super sexy Street quizzo team chilling at the side bar with me - You make my Thursday nights worth working ... Your turtle can jump my bunny any time.
To the blue-eyed, baby-faced video clerk - Let's make babies.
To the tools who run the Senior Gift Drive - How about this for a donation? I am giving you the finger.
Yona - You are cooler than 10,000 McDonald's French fries.
To my beautiful friend who likes pudding, salty nuts and small dick - Go for him, girl!
To the couple who tongue kisses outside DRL-3C8 Tuesday afternoons - Thanks to you, I have puked in my mouth and swallowed it a record breaking amount of times this semester.
Here's a shoutout to the previously mentioned diddy - I'm hoping the cooking lessons helped...but if not - we can work on it this summer, can't we?
Henrik, Hurdy gurdy gurdy. Bork bork bork. You can be my Swedish chef anytime. Puss puss!!!
