I'm getting old. I can't deny that. In fact, I'm willing to admit it. Yes, a barber did tell me I was thinning this summer. Yes, it is officially illegal for me to have sex with 17-year-olds in many states. I admit that.
But, god, I never thought it would get this far.
Marc, one of my housemates, has a job.
Others are applying for one. Sumner, another housemate (I have quite a few of them), applied via On-Campus Recruiting to a few financial institutions. His letter to one, Stephens Inc., had a montage of their logo in the background and read, "Stevens Inc., I'll make you laugh, I'll make you think, if you hire me my work won't stink. Love, S.G." We all, naturally, thought this was hilarious. His parents? Not so much.
And I ... oh, god.
I no longer like frat parties.
It's not that I'm someone who never liked frat parties, and I'm not the type to deny embarrassing facts about my past -- I was, the rumors are true, once in a fraternity. That doesn't mean that I'm particularly happy about my membership being known to anyone who Googles me (The person who plays video games shares a name with me, but is not me. The person who worked at a Quaker magazine, um ... is me.), but I can deal with it.
The part that I think I'm saddest about is that I came to this realization at what was really, truly, quite a lovely party. I don't mean any offense to the gentlemen over at Pi Kapp -- you throw a hell of a party. Access to booze, good mix of girls to guys, G-Unit on constant repeat. I do sort of wonder why you weren't letting people in when you had plenty of space. But still, lovely.
This was the sort of party I used to look forward to.
But to tell the truth, I'm a little sick of asking everyone where they're from and what they plan to major in. I like my little circles of friends. I'm comfortable. Hell, I'm my grandparents.
And look, freshmen, don't take this personally, but I just don't have a lot to talk to you about at parties anyway. It's not that I'm better than you, or cooler than you, or smarter than you. In fact, you're probably better, cooler and smarter than I was at your age. But college changes all of us, more than we ever wanted to realize, and one day, you too will wake up with hair on your pillow and know that you too are a much different person than you were.
I just wish it hadn't happened so soon. I hate paying for beer.
-Alex Koppelman
