In our beloved nation, there are certain occasions that are generally understood to be appropriate for throwing back a drink. Weddings, baseball games, 21st birthdays -- even a drunken Sunday morning is legit under the guise of curing a hangover. Then there's Cancun, college frat parties and any event involving the phrase "clothing optional"; situations where inebriation is not only socially acceptable, but a pre-requisite for attendance. If you're finding yourself ecstatically pumping a fist and bellowing, "YEAAAAAHHH, BAAABBBY!" while encased in regurgitated slime at a foam party, or in response to a particularly skillful kegstand, for your own sake, we certainly hope you're wasted. Otherwise, what's your excuse?

Which brings us to, well, us. We'd like to propose a new category of boozing, a re-structuring of temporal drinking categories as we know and love them. There is a certain window of time during which the thought of downing a 40 might not automatically occur, but if it did, your activity would be improved tenfold, and the resulting euphoria would be enough to carry you through the rest of your live-long days. We like to think of it as "boozing outside the box." In other words, we are advocates for over-consumption: drinking when it is absolutely, totally redundant. And no, meathead, we're not saying sloshing before class, since that would be, like, so outrageous and radical. Please, this is a very refined art.

Of course, the eventual goal is to be drunk all the time, so as not to be accountable for any of your actions. In the court of law, you could mangle a protester at the RNC, eat her for dinner and, provided that you were smashed at the time, get off scot-free. Imagine being able to cruise through life in a drunken haze of half-remembered shenannigans, i.e., getting kicked out of____(place), making out with _____(animal, vegetable, or mineral), waking up in your own ______ (bodily secretion) and not being responsible for any of the physical harm or emotional havoc you might inflict on yourself or others. Appealing? Fellow countrymen, read on for suggestions on how to celebrate unnecessary drinking.

1. Pre-Kerrying

We'll show you weapons of mass destruction.

2. Shopaholic

Take the guilt out of Gucci.

3. Open Bar Events

We know it's free, but it's nice to have a head start.

4. Confessions of a Drunken Mind

"Dad, I'm gay. Where's the gin?"

5. Oral Presentations

Je voudrais une biere. Yo quiero una cerveza. Capiche?

6. Breaking Up is Hard to Do

But a whole lot easier when you blame it on the booze.

7. Positions of Power

Writer's Meeting, Thursday at 6 p.m.


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