"I was in the middle of taking a shit in my bathroom when I realized there wasn't any toilet paper. Knowing there were extra rolls in the kitchen, I decided to take desperate measures. Still with my pants around my ankles, I waddled down three flights of stairs and finally bent over to open the cabinet under the sink. Right then, my parents walked in through the unopened front door, just in time to meet with my muddy brown eye. Startled by their sudden appearance, I fell backwards, landing on my left testicle and covering my nuts with doo-doo. If that wasn't enough, my parents had brought my high school sweetheart with them. Needless to say, she wasn't very receptive when I suggested sex later that evening."
"My parents hated Penn. My mom thought the girls were 'too Jewish,' but my roommate wasn't 'Jewish enough.' I was like, "Mom, he's from Singapore," but she didn't care. My dad couldn't stop complaining that, in his day, young people cared about politics. I told him that lots of young people wanted to lick Bush, but he didn't get the joke. They also thought that my dorm was way too small, but I was like, 'it's not the size that counts, it's how you use it!' My dad told me to get used to saying that. The visit ended on a bright note, however, when they left."
"Why do my parents still come during Parents Weekend? This is the fourth year in a row! We've done everything Philly has to offer: art museum, Liberty Bell, hate crimes, Rittenhouse Square, stabbing hookers. You name it, we've done it! So anyway, Friday night we got some authentic Philadelphia cuisine at Cosi. Again. Then we headed to Club Wizzards. Again. Then we took a PCP break in my room (again) and headed west to find some crank and a good time. Boring! You know it's old when the local cops know your mom by name. Sometimes parents just can't let go."
"It's Saturday night after dinner, but, instead of leaving, my parents are like, 'Honey, can we see your room?' So I'm like, 'Yeah, whatever,' but I'm thinking, 'No, you burnouts!' So, back in my room, my mom starts inspecting everything, while my dad goes on thefacebook.com. So then, this guy from down the hall knocks on the door, and he's like, 'Yo sluts! You drunk yet?' My dad opens the door and starts chasing him, so I run after them. To make a long story short, my dad's still passed out in the basement of Beta and my mom is now dating Pavil, the creepy ITA from down the hall."
"So we're out to dinner and I leave my purse on the table so I can go to the bathroom. Only later do I open my wallet and realize that good ol' granny has slipped me a few extra $ as a surprise present, a.k.a. payoff for considering law school. However, in the midst of my excitement, I remember my wallet's also where I keep those Trojan Magnums, and now they're gone."
"I dropped my parents off at the Inn at Penn so they could retire for the night while I got trashed and yelled at the miscellaneous sluts frollicking on Spruce. At one point, my friends and I started cat-calling at the slutty teacher across the street. She hiked her skirt up a bit in response, flipped her hair and then gave me a coy glance over the shoulder. I felt the chunks rise as I realized it wasn't a slutty teacher but rather a slutty mother -- my hot, slutty mother"
