This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.
FEMALE
Your favorite music is:
(a) Switchfoot
(b) Britney Spears
(c) Marilyn Manson
(d) Sly and the Family Stone
Which of the following do you find delightfully large?
(a) Cucumber
(b) Baseball bat
(c) Train
(d) Tower of Pisa
You're home alone, waiting for your order to arrive from Greek Lady. The bell finally rings and, at your doorstep, stands the delivery man -- the hot Mexican delivery man. You:
(a) Pay him and return to watching commercial-free re-runs of All in the Family.
(b) Slap him in the face, rip off your pants, and start masturbating furiously, right there in the cold and uncomfortable entranceway.
(c) Politely ask him to follow you back into the bedroom, where you left the money alongside a large box of Lifestyle condoms, a tube of lubricant and three grams of fine china.
(d) Throw the food aside and tell him that you'll suck his cock for $1,000 dollars.
As you gather your things together at the end of class, your cute TA casually asks what your are plans for the weekend. You:
(a) Pause, think to yourself and reply that in all honesty you'll be getting a head start on writing a paper for his class both Friday and Saturday nights.
(b) Open up your notebook and show him your doodlings: hearts, stars, and his naked body on top of yours.
(c) Mention that your roommate is out of town and that you have the apartment to yourself all weekend long, and that you really wish he'd stop by since you're kinda freaked out to be all alone late at night.
(d) Lock the door, unbuckle his pants and screw him right there on the desk.
You fail a math test and are forced to stay after school for tutoring. Do you:
(a) Pay attention to your teacher and get home in time for afternoon cartoons.
(b) Fantasize about your teacher bending you over his desk.
(c) Go under the desk for extra credit.
(d) Strap one on and bend your teacher over his desk.
It's late Saturday night and you don't have a date. You:
(a) Invite your girlfriends over to watch a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie.
(b) Rediscover uses for the showerhead.
(c) Invite your girlfriends over for an underwear pillow fight.
(d) Invite your girlfriends over and introduce them to your friend, "Thank you very much, Mr. Vibrato."
Aliens abduct you and your roommate, and say that you're both going to be subject to some experiments. You:
(a) Bathe in each other's tears and cry, "Why me, God?"
(b) Modestly agree to comply out of fear for your safety.
(c) Realize that this shared experience has tightened your sisterly bond and nervously give Roomie a little kiss.
(d) Grab a slimy but engorged alien boy and tell the leader that if he doesn't turn this dang ship around, you'll make the poor creature explode.
In your closet right now, you could find:
(a) Clothes
(b) Nurse's outfit from Halloween
(c) Schoolgirl outfit not from school
(d) A slew of whips and chains
Mostly A's: We hear there are openings at the local convent, you prude.
Mostly B's: You naughty girl. Do some Ecstasy and come back to us.
Mostly C's: Give us a ring. You might be as freaky as us.
Mostly D's: Shall we call you Penna Jameson?
