This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.
Gallery for the Artistic Photographer 209 South Street Mon-Fri, through Dec 23, 1 p.m. - 9 p.m., $5 www.artisticphotographer.com (215) 898-2343
Imagine a naked girl standing in your bathroom with nothing but a potholder on one hand and a pineapple in the other. She covers her voluptuous breast with the potholder and tenderly carries the pineapple just south of the border. She stares at you longingly wanting you to come over. You get closer to her, and Wham! You hit the picture. Then you look around and realize that there are 20 more girls staring at you from their place on the wall. All these photographs taken by one man in the name of art, it just boggles the mind.
National Erotic Literature Day
Free Library of Philadelphia
1901 Vine Street
Sat, 9 a.m. - 5 p.m., free
(215) 555-5555
http://www.library.phila.gov/porno
No longer will you have to suffer the shame and isolation that comes with reading pornography alone in your room. Join your peers, colleagues and fellow citizens in commemorating one of the most revered and enduring forms of prose. In honor of National Erotic Literature Day, public libraries across the country will display their extensive collections of the greatest pornographic literature of the past millenium. You will have plenty to choose from, ranging from the writings of the ancient Romans (those nasty dogs) all the way up to the modern day periodicals we all know and love.
Ron Jeremy Book Signing
Penn Bookstore
3601 Walnut Street
Thu, 3 p.m., $2 at the door, freshman girls get in free
www.pudgypornstar.com
Ron Jeremy has appeared in over 1,000 porno flicks, and he continues to flaunt his flabby and furry body at every opportunity. Dear God, haven't we seen enough of the Hedgehog's public displays? Recently, he took a brief hiatus from the porn industry to write his biography. The 400-page memoir is a hefty chunk of pornographic history, full of sexual slang and horn-dog innuendos, much like the author himself. It appears that Mr. Jeremy is more adept with his penis than he is with a pen, but no matter, you can meet the man and the legend at the bookstore this Thursday.
ICA presents: So My Mom is a Whore
Philadelphia Museum of Art
Benjamin Franklin Parkway Wed-Fri 12 p.m. - 8 p.m.; Sat.-Sun. 11 a.m. - 5 p.m., through Dec 21
$3, free with your mother's sexual favors, free admission Sundays
(215) 898-7108
A visual diary of a single West Philadelphia mother working the streets. This sensitive, sensual set of erotic photographs freezes motion while bringing a whole new perspective on Illadelphia's underworld as seen through the eyes of a prostitute's seven year-old son.
Porn Conventions, etc.
Christmas Comes Early
The Toy Shop
1830 Vine Street
Fri, 8 p.m, $15
(215)978-3423
www.thetoyshopxxx.com
Few people know what happens to the Toy Shop after 8 p.m., but I've decided to expose this well-kept secret. Mr. Santa Claus, who ho-ho's during the day, wears nothing but his birthday suit and a smile at this crazy partay. All the men must bring a suggestive gift to the event, which will later be chosen by the women under the Christmas tree. Each man then takes the woman who has picked her gift home with him, and Christmas literally Comes Early.
Revenge of the Nerds: Porn Convention
McClelland Hall
200 S. Tiny Dick Street
Sat, 1 p.m., $12
www.ihearthardons.com
Nerds come in all shapes and sizes. Some of them are skinny and sickly looking; the rest are extremely fat. Some of them are hard-working automatons; others are ridiculously lazy, choosing to spend all their time playing games like "DDR" and Starcraft. Despite the diversity of the species, pornography is the glue that holds the geek world together. There are a lot of nerds in the quad; there is a lot of porn in the quad.
Fox Leadership Presents: an X-rated evening with Michael Eisner, former CEO of Disney
Huntsman Building, University of Pennylvania, 6969 Tent Street
Sat, 4 p.m., free to Wharton students
www.upenn.edu/~lionkingblowjob
Ever heard that there is a hidden racy subtext to all Disney movies? For example, Jasmine's tiger telling her to take off her clothes, or the priest marrying Ariel and Eric flashing the crowd? Now that Michael Eisner has been callously phased out of the corporation, he's dishing the dirt about the real sick perverts that have shaped generations of young children. Yum.
Professor Shatte
The Cave
700 N. Delaware Ave.
Sat, 9 p.m.-2 a.m. $0.69
(215) 923-0504
Special one night event: legendary psychology professor Andrew Shatte guest stars at Cave. He won't respond to "Andrew" or "Shatte," however. Tonight his stage name is Sigmund Freud and his preferred background music is "A Song for Mama." Let your I.D. take over on this unseasonably hot December night, as this Australian stallion shows you what you've been fantasizing about all semester. Two for one admission price for all freshman girls.
Undergarment Trade Seminar
Full Moon Saloon
117 S. 19th St.
Fri, 5 p.m., $7 or dirty undies at the door
215-555-4444
www.fullmoontonight.com
If you find yourself a little strapped for cash this holiday shopping season, attend this financial workshop to discover how you can make a pretty penny off your dirty panties. Former strip club owner turned entrepreneur Merv Schlossberg will help you turn your used unmentionables into spending money. Analyze market trends so you can command top dollar prices for your panties. Leopard print is out, and lace is in! Also discover how your specialty items can attract the interest of discerning shoppers. Garter belts and Speedos are considered to be gourmet in the garment-resale industry. Purchase tickets at the door, old undies may be substituted for cash. (Please note, due to health concerns, vag cheese and skid marks are unacceptable.)
Serenade and sex by big red
Big Red's Houes of Love
1010 High Rise North
Fri-Sat, 9 p.m., free
www.bigredallover.com/~edzpicks/indierocklove
Known to the Penn community as "Big Red," this tall, streamlined Street music editor is a real music aficionado. Get cozy with him. Let him sing you a song
by, perhaps, the Microphones or Sufjan Stevens. And, as Cat Stevens said, "let
the music take you where your heart wants to go." While you're there, ask him about his "Best Music of '04" list. It's just one of his long, captivating features.
Pole Dancing and Slutty Moms
Work the Pole
Club Wizzards
3801 Chestnut Street
Fri, 12 p.m.-2 a.m. $5
(215) 382-4105
Earn your tuition at Club Wizzards. Open stage night for all female Penn students. Head on down after your nightcap at Chilis and shake what your mama gave you. Daddy will be nothing but proud for your monitary contribution. After all, the more you make, the less he has to contribute to your mini-skirt-and-Franzia/Daddy's-little-girl-is-a-slut fund.
"Who's the real prez?" Mud Wrestling Contest
Bodek Lounge, Houston Hall
3417 Spruce Street
Fri, 12p.m.-1:30 p.m., free with PennCard
JRo returns to Penn's campus for the first time this year to settle the age-old question: who would win in a mud wrestling contest -- JRo or Gutmann? I'm putting my money on JRo -- Gutmann will probably be boozed up and tipsy after pregaming with her boys from The Roots, whereas J-Ro's got the world experience, the feistiness, and the ability to pull on Gutmann's hair. Let the games begin.
Jiggle Fest
The Jiggly Bar
8424 Gelatin Ave., Newark, Deleware
Thu, 9 p.m., $10
(215) JIG-GLES
www.jigglybar.com
My first Jiggle Fest was three years ago today. "You like that, big boy," she asked, shoving my head in between her large, false breasts. Gasping for breath, I told her that I did. It was a reserved enjoyment, however. I was worried about the cleanliness of this women's chest, where, no doubt, hundreds of drooling adolescent faces had been. When it was over, I gave her two dollars and a good, military-style hand shake. And to this day, when I clean my ears after a hot shower, I find pieces of silicone on the Q-tip.
The Point Game
High Rise North
1444 Big Rise Street
Friday, 8 p.m., $100
www.upenn.edu
Think you're a six? A seven? Sick of dating people one two, or three points below you? Fret no more. At High Rise North's Point Game, everyone knows their place, and no one oversteps it. Unless you're wealthy and have a humongous penis. There are no rejections. No one gets hurt, everyone gets love. If there's an odd man out at the end of the night, lucky him/her: the entire School of Social Work will be standing-by, waiting to give that individual the time of his/her life.
Topless Night
1920 Commons
Big Top Ave
Friday, 8 p.m., free
www.upenn.edu
All your favorites will there: Pan Geos, chicken patty, salad bar, pizza and ... mmm, mmm ... wraps. Of course, it will all be brought you by the voluptuous, topless staff of 1920 Commons. Don't worry ladies, there's something for you, too. All the men will appear in g-strings. There's no sex in the champagne room, but groping is certainly allowed at Topless Night at the 1920 Commons. Make sure to save a swipe.
Make-Your-Own Video Night
DP Office
4015 Walnut Street
Friday, 9 p.m., free
www.dailypennsylvanian.com
Want to be a porn star? 34th Street staff members are standing by to videotape you stripping, dancing and making sweet, sweet love. And it's absolutely free of charge! This is college; now is the time. You're only going to get fatter and uglier. [34th Street reserves the rights to all videotaped material for distribution and sale via internet, Blockbuster and, possibly, in McDonald's Happy Meals. Yum!
Reenacting Great Sex Scenes
Kelly Writer's House
Secret-Prostitution-Ring Ave.
Friday, 9 p.m., free
www.upenn.edu
Reenact the hottest sex scenes in literature and film. Commit adultery, like Madame Bovary or Anna Karenina. Seduce your classmates just for sport, like Valmonte in Dangerous Liaisons. Or, make love to someone 60 years your elder, like that beautiful scene from Harold and Maude. Old folks do it better, at least that's been my experience.
Orgy
Au Bon Pain, University of Pennsylvania
Tuesday, 2 p.m., free
3030 Penetration Station
www.fetishporn.com/hotcoffee
You're invited to ABP's First Annual Orgy. It's nothing special, really. Just a lot of penetration, etcetera. Sex at the sandwich station, sex by the coffee. Sex by the muffins, sex by the croissants. What matters here is sex. Everyone wants it, not enough people are having it. So why not do it at ABP? Bootylicious.
Another Random Orgy
Morimoto
1052 Chestnut Street
Wed, 3 a.m., $934.99
www.stephenstarrisboss.com
So, we all knew about the ABP orgy that was going down. But, if you want to go high society, you've got to hit up one of Philadelphia's poshest restaurants. Unlike the shindig at ABP, this one is rather exclusive. Instead of just showing up at the place, you have got to gently knock four times and whisper, "Sushi and clover. Over and over and over." At that point, you walk in, and there are all these old, burgeosie folk copulating clad simply in their diamonds and bow-ties. I'm down. Also, they won't let you in if you have Celiac's Disease.
Lube Fight
Dec 6th, free
College Green
321 Jergens Cul-de-SACK
215.898.5000
I know, water gun fights are so third grade, but this fight should be way better. Fill up your Super-Soaker with some lube (scented flavors are welcomed but not mandatory) and have a blast. Since the University has not sanctioned this fight, I wouldn't recommend shooting at Amy Guttman or any of the standing faculty, although TA's are definitely fair game. Most importantly, while the fight is free, it's a BYOL event, so don't forget the KY-Jelly.
Porn Stars on Ice
Whatahovia Center
3601 Hot Broad Street
Tue, 8 p.m. - 3 a.m.
http://www.pornstarsonice.com
Come one, come all to a figure skating spectacle you'll never forget. Watch all your favorite stars of the adult film industry as they take to the ice to show off their best moves. You've seen them spread eagle, now watch how they hit that triple axle. The temperature may be frigid in there, but these performers will keep you feeling warm and tingly all over.
Breast and Penis Enhancement
Student Health Services, University of Pennsylvania, 3131 Right Way
Everyday, forever, free.
www.upenn.edu/hugepenis
In a world where everything is getting smaller (cell phones, computers, etcetera), isn't it refreshing to know that big penises and breasts are still cool? I think so. That's why the docs and nurses of Student Health Services have decided to offer a 24 hour, seven day a week penis/breast enlargement option for all undergrads. The University of Pennsylvania Health System has agreed to a non-discriminatory policy, which allows men to enlarge their breasts, too. [Penis enlargements are difficult, however, when there was no penis to begin with.]
Sexual Tension Relief Week
Pottruck Fitness Center
3701 Walnut Street
Sat, 8 p.m., free
(215)898-6969
www.upenn.edu/recreation/sexualactivity
This year's latest exercise craze is coming to Penn's campus. And it couldn't be a better time. With the weather turning colder, frat parties losing luster, and fear of finals spreading through the dorms, the opportunities for random sexual play are dwindling. But now you get your fix of the humpity-bumpity while burning calories at the same time. Come alone or with a partner to try out "SEXercise!," a patented work-out plan guaranteed to give you results and satisfaction. Even if your fitness plans have failed before, this one promises a "happy ending." No previous experience required, but endurance is a must, apologies to all you one-minute men out there.
Survivor: Prophylatic island reunion!
Houston Hall
Benjamin Franklin Room
3652 Spruce Street
(215) 898-SURV
www.nbc-survivor.com
America's favorite heroes are back in town. They are here to give you the scoop on what really went down on that god-forsaken island. We all remember how that whore Becki Lynn won our hearts when she claimed to have found true love while wedged between Jimbo's chlamydia and Terri Ann's gnarly case of genital warts. Or, when Harley came out of the closet with his secret of having Celiac's Disease. Well, now is the time to see if Dr. Ura Hoorbag really could work his magic and cure Becki's anal herpes, pubic lice and genital warts. Or, maybe that's the tricker... Maybe the whole thing was a complete lie. Ohhhh,... how I adore glorious trash television and trash whores.
