This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.

Various Penn Students

Hookup Confessions: Volume

Ever think one of your hookup experiences was truly unique? Think again. Hookup Confessions: Volume 1, released on Death Row records, features (quite) detailed narrations of every conceivable sexual act. All recounted by Penn students, these 27 tracks are backed by slow beats, synthesizers and incredible amounts of wailing. At first, you might feel a bit perverted or voyeuristic, and in the end, you still will. Confessions is pornography for the ear. It's also one of the best releases of all time.

While not revealing names, Confessions' liner notes do inform the reader of the context of each track. The highlight (although there are so many!) is unequivocally "April 17th, 2004, 4015 Walnut Street, Spring Fling After Party." On this artistic milestone, soft moans of a pre-frosh visiting campus (and getting her time's worth, apparently) rest atop Rahzel's (of the Roots) masterful beat-boxing. "January 15, 2003, Beta Rush Party" and "October 15, 2004, Franklin Field Bleachers" also serve the album justice, and "May 2, 1940, 200 Year Anniversary Celebration" kicks it old school for the alums.

Confessions is a brilliantly realized account of Penn's second oldest tradition (the first being Morgan Stanley internships) -- hooking up. Buy it. Love it. Masturbate to it.

R. Kelly

Illegal Sex

R. Kelly has fashioned a career out of pushing the boundaries of R&B, hip hop and more. His new set, Illegal Sex shows that Kelly's talent isn't aging like wine. He's just another dirty old man now.

Sex is an interesting listen at first, but eventually succumbs to perversion. Each track is about having sex with a minor, both boys and girls. Needless to say, many of these songs come off as a bit controversial, especially given Kelly's ongoing legal woes. The first that comes to mind is "I Really Like 12-year-olds," which is actually the name of nine of the disc's 11 songs. The third of these features particularly unsettling lyrics, such as "I don't like adults/ Because they're too old/ It's not my fault/ We all have different preferences/ And I prefer 7th graders." All of the songs spew a disgraceful combination of pedophilia and non sequitur. If you're like Kelly and dig pre-pubescence, buy this record immediately. If you're not, pray for Kelly's soul.

Tha Edzz

Sex, Street, Ca$h

Wow, I knew Street editors got a lot of ass, but never this much! That is, of course, if they're telling the truth.

Sex, Street, Ca$h is a rap collaboration between the members of Fall 2004 Street editorial staff. Known as "Tha Edzz," each track features a different editor spitting out sexually-charged lyrics. Kevin Lo's "Loose Women Flock 2 Me" tells the story of a post-DP Banquet experience involving an anonymous business manager. Brilliant, to say the least. Yona Silverman's "Nicotine, Sex and Nicotine" shows the heartbreak of a woman conflicted between wanting to hookup and wanting to, well, hookup.

The album's most obvious failure is Alex Koppelman's "My 1st Lay-D," on which he sweetly tries to tell of his first sexual experience. The track falls apart with its lyrical content, as everyone knows Alex Koppelman has never had sex.

Sex, Street, Ca$h is a spicy look into the sex lives of Street editors. Take it with a grain of salt, however -- there's a lot of ego-boosting on this album, and much of it is unfounded.


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