This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.
Bedroom dresser. Second drawer. Right behind my hot panties is one of my most treasured possessions. A detailed account of my sex life. My sex bible, if you will. And right next to that dresser is a stack of CDs: something a sex bible can never do without. Each line of the book has a name and is marked by a number that corresponds to a number on one of the CDs. Tracks are highlighted. Color coded. Each one representing a glorious (or not so much, depending on the color) moment of my life.
For example, number 10 is John in the book, Warrant on the CD rack, and "Cherry Pie" is highlighted brown, because although whipped cream and pie were involved in the evening's events, they did not turn out very pretty. Now, turn on "Cherry Pie," and the only expression you'll see on my face is mild disgust followed by just a hint of a fake smile. (Sorry John.) It might seem a little excessive, but it's really a great way to keep your vagina activities organized. Not to mention, if need be, you can pretty quickly be reminded of why you broke up with John in the first place.
Sex and music go together like strawberries and chocolate. Like snow and winter. Like hot wax, a tub of jello and a stuffed vagina. You get the idea. Nothing will soundtrack your life better than what you remember hearing that first time you went all the way with someone. Try and keep a record. Then go back and listen to the songs later on. See what comes up. But before you're all classically conditioned to salivate at the sound of "My Baby Does the Hanky Panky," take some music lessons from me.
28. Karina. JC Chasez -- "Some Girls (Dance with Women)"
Hey, all of us switch teams once at some point. No, I wasn't drunk. Yes, toys were involved. Lesson learned: multi-tasking abilities have never been more beneficial. To anyone.
33. Jose. Geto Boys -- "Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta"
His choice, not mine. Lesson learned: if a boy is tone-deaf, play a song he doesn't know even if it does feel damn good to be a gansta. Damn boyyyyy. Where you at?
01. Robert. Bob Dylan -- "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"
Word of advice: don't bring God into the bedroom. Or crying. Definitely not crying.
02. Alan. Counting Crows -- "Time and Time Again"
Time and time again he tried. Time and time again he failed. Better luck next time Duritz. I mean Adam. I mean "Alan."
16. Art. Fiona Apple -- "Slow Like Honey"
Sometimes slow like honey is good, but slow with honey? Very, very bad.
49. Caleb. The Killers --"On Top"
Yes. Oh yes. Yeah. Uh-huh. If only this wasn't so much effort.
20. Johan. Liz Phair -- "Fuck and Run"
Not him. Me. Why? Because two minutes after it was over, I realized he repulsed me, but in a hot way. Does that make sense? NO. That's why I had to get out.
07. Cuddles. NIN -- "Closer"
Animal sex is hot. Sex with animals leaves you feeling a little, well, let's just say, dirty? No, let's say sick. Really sick. But in a hot way.
34. Kevin. Billy Idol -- "Dancing with Myself"
Okay, I wasn't with myself, but I may as well have been. Oh, college. What a tangled web we weave.