Has there ever been a time when you just had to laugh at how unbelievably elitist Penn is? You know, a time when you said to yourself, "This could only happen in the Ivy League"? My favorite example is the catered New Student Orientation party at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. I mean, I'm sure Drexel's pizza party at the Philadelphia Doll Museum is cool, but it's just not the same.
Recently I had another "Ivy League Moment," one even more ridiculous than the first time I walked into Huntsman Hall. A friend and I decided that we'd like to start playing racquetball, so we went out and bought the proper equipment. We assumed, naturally, that Penn would have racquetball courts somewhere because, well, most universities do. One day we went down to Hutch, where the courts were rumored to be, only to find out that there were no racquetball courts.
Why wouldn't a university with as many resources as Penn has not have squash courts, you ask? Well, as it turns out, every single one of us is a rich, WASPy snob named Bradford. Penn is too elitist even for a sport like racquetball, which reached the height of its popularity in the '80s with Yuppie businessmen. But wait, you say, how do the sporting students of Penn enjoy their indoor recreational racqueting? Why, they play squash on one of the 22 squash courts on campus. Indubitably.
Why do we only have squash and not racquetball, you ask? Good question, but stop interrupting. The answer lies in practicality. Squash came to the U.S. in 1884, whereas racquetball wasn't invented until 1949. So, Penn has had 121 years to build squash facilities, but a scant 56 years to do the same for racquetball. (Note to self: check back in 65 years.)
In all honesty, though, I didn't know the difference between squash and racquetball. After some careful research, I found out that they are exactly the same, except that to play squash, your family has to own a squash racket. And have opposable thumbs. Am I insinuating that all squash players own a squash racquet? No, I wouldn't want to offend anyone.
Just for my own edification, I went to Google and searched for "squash rich snobby Ivy League." I got back 44 results. I then searched for "racquetball rich snobby Ivy League." I got back four results.
To be fair, I really have nothing against squash players. Want to play squash? Go for it. It's just that my public high school didn't have squash facilities. Or valet parking. So, what I would like to see is Penn have both squash and racquetball facilities. Accomplishing this goal, though, will take a serious commitment from many dedicated racquetball fans. So, to the 43,000+ of you reading this column, here is your task: If you agree with me that Penn should have squash and racquetball, please email all of the influential people I have listed and let your (electronic) voices be heard. Penn will be forced to put down its collective Wall Street Journal and do my bidding. Good luck.
