My friend Stamos and I were jogging through West Philadelphia when we were stopped by four males unaffiliated with the university. As peaceful and genteel Protestants, we proceeded to donate our wallets and sneakers to their charity, rightfully proclaiming our duty to assist those less fortunate than ourselves.
Upon bribing an ethnic to drive us back to our apartment, my friend turned to me and exclaimed, "Winthrop, ol' chap, I say, why don't you turn this experience into a quality Opinion-editorial piece for The Daily Pennsylvanian? After all, you were the wittiest young scholar at Prep and possess a dynamite razz that could elucidate our tale to our peers." I humbly accepted.
Upon scrolling over examples of such Op-ed pieces (as they are colorfully deemed by the masses) in the aforementioned publication, however, I discovered: there had been 17 Op-ed pieces concerning encounters with Western Philadelphia's proletariat denizens, and further, 28 pieces written about male-female social-sexual interactions on campus, and 25 disapproving of Republican federal politics.
I, as one of the knowledgeable few, felt it was my duty to inform the deceived many of the Op-ed travesty that had befallen us. So I wrote a letter to the editor.
My letter to the DP eloquently expressed my concern over the whole page of newsprint needlessly wasted on inane opinions from fraudulent vagabonds. I explained that the general populace cares not one fig about reading the editorial fecal matter of mindless automatons smeared across the Opinion parchment. So, of course, what do those crooked Canadians do? They publish my correspondence! Frustration! I had just illuminated to them how much I despise other peoples' editorial concoctions, so why would I desire for anyone to read mine? Neanderthals, the lot of them!
Does everybody believe that their plebian opinions are worth sharing? I abhor taxi drivers, Jews and Op-ed pieces, but do you find me writing about them? No, with a capital K, as in, know that you're obtuse! Frustration!
Op-ed writers should collectively return to arguing with their one equally pathetic roommate about why none of my "friends" call on me anymore. I don't need you boisterous ninnypackers anyway. I'm multinational!
