I sometimes wonder, "If Jude Law is really good at playing jackasses, is he really good at being a jackass?" I also sometimes wonder if he secretly wants to be a lawyer. Or a contestant on The Price is Right. British people know Bob Barker, right?
If they do, they saw me win a free washing machine when I went on the show this summer. I was the guy in the Penn sweatshirt! I was actually really surprised that I was picked to come on down. Usually the show picks people wearing military uniforms or T-shirts they made themselves, proclaiming either their or their pets' undying devotion to Bob.
The thing about pets and Bob Barker is that after I saw my English springer spaniel humping the dachshund next door, I was really thankful I took Bob's advice, because the world really does not need another English spachsund. And I don't mean to insult the English people -- my cousin's British, and he'll bring me tea and cookies. They call cookies "biscuits," by the way.
Jude Law probably wasn't watching when I won that washing machine. I guess I can't say I'm upset, though, because I really messed up while spinning the wheel. Eighty-five cents just didn't seem like enough. It was embarrassing.
Another time I lost $20 in the slot machines in Atlantic City. That was a while ago, but I still regret not stopping at $18.95. Or when I was $2 up. It must be the flashy lights. And the shiny. Shiny what? Sorry, can't say. What happens in Atlantic City stays in Camden.
What I can say is that "Regulate" by Warren G is hot. It's my soul-force when I'm emo-drained by hyphens. I'm generally a huge fan of punctuation marks, though. Exclamation points must get a lot of ass. And apostrophes are so hip. Remember how excited I was when I learned about semi-colons in middle school? I hope there's a new punctuation mark that they don't tell you about until you're 40. That would definitely give me something to live for.
And I really do need to live. I've got ideas, baby, and I'm going to make them happen. "Emo Eats" is my restaurant idea. We'll serve lots of great stuff, like "Your angel hair is everywhere" and "I'm tired of writing songs about bleu cheese."
Location, location, location: Seattle, Seattle, Seattle. The decorum will be intellectual, yet fun, with just enough hip clientele to play Hungry, Hungry, (Hungry) Hippos. They say comedy comes in threes, but it took me only one minute to pop that cherry!
I used to always think they were called machismo cherries. You know, the ones you put on top of a sundae. But then I found out that was racially insensitive, like early Batman episodes.
And Jude Law.
