The views expressed in the following belong only to the individuals submitting the ads and do not necessarily reflect the views of 34th Street Magazine and its editors.
To underclassmen: Tri Di? Why refer to the diner in a manner that references a slutty sorority?
To the girl who tries to prove she's (a) cool and (b) a big boozehound: You're just (c) an annoying faux hippie with a wretched midwestern accent. Sort it out.
To seniors of ZBT aka Friendz aka Kingz aka XZBT aka HOZ: You were kicked off campus over a year ago and you graduate in a month. Pick a fucking name already.
To the seniors on the volleyball team: Watching you bounce around in spandex for the past four years has always given me a hard on...and I'm a girl.
To Beta: You've turned another group of hot freshman boys into fags. Thanks for nothing.
To the owner of Smokes: Just give her the fucking iPod, you tight ass.
To the winner of the iPod: Who sues Smokes, honestly?
To the wild girl in my Finance 100 class sophomore year: I could tell by the look in your eye that you wanted to ride me reverse cowgirl with nothing on but a 10-gallon hat and chaps. I have a hot tub ... stop by sometime for a wet rodeo ride.
To the Asian family who took a picture sitting on the Ben Franklin statue: I urinated on it last night. Hell, everyone urinated on it last night.
To Tabard: Your pledge classes have been weak the last two years. Hot girls aren't willing to take that much shit just to hang out with you. Re-evaluate.
To the guy who tosses my salad at Gia: I'd toss yours if it would get the panini out of your ass.
To the girl in my ethics class who starts to cry every time she makes a point: Please don't cry. You make a good point.
To the guy who jogs shirtless with his black lab puppy: I see through your plan -- and it works. Please do me. Please do.
To the random guy from Fling: Please tell me you're gay BEFORE you're naked in my bed. Thanks.
To our animal-loving roommate: Like it or not, we're gonna kill the pigeons.
To the fat ugly ugly who drunk dials me asking to snuggle: Stop, you are fat and you are ugly ugly. Drunken booty calls usually only work if the other person is drunk too, and even when I'm plastered I'm too sober to hook up with you. Love, The Octagon
To Angela/CCC: Don't hate me because I'm Jewish. Odds are that Jesus would be dead by now anyway.
To the girl who wrote the meta shoutout: We're the only ones who can make meta jokes around here. Love, The Edz
To the girl in English 60 who wore a shirt that said "It's okay, we're Lutheran!": Rot in hell.
To my ex-boyfriend, who went to Drexel to be in Philly because I was at Penn: Go home. Oh, and I lied when I said Drexel was an okay school.
To the annoying nasal Midwestern tree-hugger: You drive an SUV. Quit the psuedo-environmentalist act and keep popping your Lacoste collar.
To the fratty Whartonite who fucked me somewhere uncomfortable, like the back of a Volkswagen: I've told the whole campus. You will never get ass again.
To Harvard, Yale, Princeton and Brown: What did my sister have that I didn't? To Penn: Kudos for waitlisting her, even if it's just coz you knew you weren't good enough.
St. A's, Sigma Chi, etc: Madras shorts are not acceptable on campus. Are you sinking a putt at Pebble Beach? No, you're in class. Fucking losers.
To the Omega Prez: You're hot. We just can't figure out if you like girls or guys more. You have fans on both teams.
To my roommate: Stop pissing on the seat. You're a girl. How the fuck is that even possible?
To the Supercuts manager I hooked up with on Spring Break in Palm Beach: Yes, political science does have to do with politics. You are a dumb whore.
To Paul Kintzele: I disrespect you so much that I print your e-mails out in draft mode. Ooh, burn!
To Reg Tigerman: Why did you stop writing? You turned into a Reg Pussycatman. GET IT?
To the tall guy on the basketball team. No, not you, the other tall one: The fact that you were really hot made watching every game that much more fun. Thanks for four great years.
Dear Batman: I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. Love, Spider-Man
To that kid who saw me hook up in Van Pelt during Fling: What were you doing in the library during Fling?
To the guy wearing three popped collars in the quad during Fling: Don't worry, nobody wants to be as preppy as you.
To 34th Street: Please be funnier.
To the douchebags from A's : Running into your back yard after you insult someone is like getting a girl pregnant and leaving her. Do you always run like a bitch when your daddy's credit card can't solve the stupid shit you do?
To the weird kid on the hall who covers the seat in toilet paper then leaves it there to be pissed on by other people: Stop doing it. I'm pretty damn sure you're the dirtiest kid in the hall anyways. P.S. Your friend smells really bad, and the whole hall knows you copied your room keys for your smelly friend who doesn't even live here.
To the birthday girl for being the beefiest person I know: So goddamn beefy I can't take it right now. BEEEEFY! BIFFY! BEEEEFF! Damn you really did want the hot beef injection. For more info please join the "Beefy Teefy Fan Club" on the facebook. It'll be the best fucking thing since giving that one Asian guy in your orgo lab head.
To my roommate who desperately needs to get laid before he graduates: If you're a female who's at least over the age of 11 years old, loves doing the angry dragon, the houdini, or any sort of lubricated form of the dirty sanchez please stop by HRE 903. Also, after your 15 seconds of pleasure, please play Resident Evil 4 with him. He will greatly appreciate it.
To the white guy with the Asian fetish: I am sorry that I was playing around with my lighter and pretended that I was going to light your hair on fire, which in fact ended up happening. Maybe that's what you get for the white man trying to colonize everything...you bitch.
To the boy with the lime green sweater and the boy(friend?) next to him at Spring Fling Comfest: Get a room. I was trying to watch Tim Meadows. I can get gay porn on Showtime at 3 a.m.
To all the Orthodox hotties: Still reform but thinking of upgrading. Wanna mitzvah on shabbos? Call before sundown.
To the sophomore who has a building named after her on campus: Can I lick your coochie for hundred dollar bills?
To the one straight non-Jewish white boy at Penn: I feel sorry for you. You're not in style this season.
To the wonder-tards riding unicycles around campus: you're so hip and different. Go unicycle into traffic.
To the white homeless guy around 40th and Walnut: You get kudos for diversity, but still no quarter.
To the guy who tried jerking off the hot passed-out straight dude during the Fling underwear party: You are fucking creepy. Stop being so creepy. You make the rest of us queers seem like predators, you sick fuck. Apologize.
To you: Some will say you're just another tall, thin, blonde Jew snorting Adderall on the Upper East Side. I say you're the future surrogate mother of my children, so put it down and come with Erik and me to the Netherlands.
To the kid who rocked me in naked sex Scrabble before, during, and after ... and after: I want you back. And I don't care that you hooked up with a 14-year-old over break.
To my facebook wife who hooks up with other guys and girls and comes home too tired to give me any: I want a divorce. Or a threesome.
To the boy who slept on the couch: You couldn't kiss. I didn't want to find out what else you couldn't do. That's why you slept on the couch.
To my third floor house mate: Why do you insist on taking an over sized duffel bag to the shower with you every day? It is almost May. Buy a fucking shower caddy, you weirdo.
To Cereality: You should be imprisoned for making your workers dress up in those stupid ass costumes and hand out free samples of shit nobody wants. Get the fuck off our campus. Love, everyone.
To 'Tom: Thanks for all the great times this semester, you really showed me what senior Spring was about -- until you started banging my best friend, asshole.
To the reappearance of tits and ass this spring: Good to see you, how are thee?
To the EuroRave: Helping the Women's Crew Team get ass one rave at a time, including the Lezzers, the Seacows and the Mandingos. What.
To the couple 69ing next to your window Tuesday night: Thanks, guys. Sorry if we interrupted.
To all the sorostitutes who ended up with the same fling shirt: Whammy!
To the guy who broke the Human Foosball over Fling: You ruined the livelihood of a family of carnies. I hope you're happy.
Dear Mr. Tim: I think it's hot that you dress like my father. I want to watch Asian porn and have boobie sex with you.
To the tone-deaf senior who stole my last DDP. So they burned a book. Get over it already!
