Oh, the joys of youth! When drinking was illegal. No AC in Hill. Free time. Ah, happy times. So, in honor of naive-ness, we present to you the 15 F-ups froshies should have done by now at Penn. Oh, and if you're wondering why we keep using you as material, young freshmen and freshwomen, don't worry -- from here on out, you'll be less important than your high school yearbook and won't merit mention in Street again. Ever. So bye.
1 Having a roommate. It's not easy to share your space with another, especially when accustomed to private quarters in a palatial suburban home. Now it comes down to your desks, your beds and about two inches of awkward space separating you and some stranger who never bathes, signs off AIM or consumes anything besides Ramen noodles. Avoid confrontation as long as you want; at least you didn't live during the Plague.
2 Auditioned for Mask & Wig
3 Not knowing your limit. Liquor before beer you're in the clear. Beer before liquor you've never been sicker. Beer, then liquor, then jungle juice, then some mysterious liquid some guy told you was alcohol, then waking up in your roommate's closet with someone's underwear on your head and your roommate bitching about how you not only barfed in their shoe but also drunkenly revealed a fantasy involving you and her in a bed full of little people coating each others' bodies with strawberry syrup. All this leads to one massive hangover and a room-move request form. So grab the toilet and a couple bottles of Excedrin because you aren't feeling too hot.
4 Sexiling/being sexiled. It happens. Get over it.
5 Mistakenly gone to a fraternity house to be a part of their "Eiffel Tower" thinking it was an interactive exhibition on French architecture.
6 Lying. Chances are you've lied or embellished about something since arriving at Penn: your year, name, virginity or even something as simple as how you found out about a party. There is no harm in this. But being called out for lying is a brilliant f-up. You don't know what party you're at. This isn't "Joe's" house, and you aren't looking for a "Beruit Tournament." You just saw us on the porch, and thought it was a frat party. We know you aren't a sophomore and that you didn't date Lindsay Lohan in middle school. Because we see right through you.
7 Living vicariously through your roommate. Just because they're cool and know about parties doesn't mean you are cool by association.
8 Waiting in line for the bathroom. Many of you have realized that the line for the bathroom at frats and house parties is just too damn long and your sensitive little bladder can't handle waiting one more second. For boys, this problem is easier to remedy, but girls, we hope you have not been too shy to pee outside. West Philadelphia is a public pee-er's paradise. Everything is fair game: alleyways, stoops, statues, Sigma Nu -- so get out there and play! Note: SpectraGuards and rent-a-cops aren't as hip to the golden showers so proceed with caution you f-up.
9 Making fun of Jewish people. This is Penn you f-up. You are never out of earshot of a "chosen one," so watch your Jew-bashing mouth.
10 Hallcest. Sure, they're cute, you were drunk, the location was convenient, but soon after it occurred you realized they weren't that good at whatever it was they were trying to do and now you have to see them everyday. Everyone on your hall also knows you hooked up, because you don't have any other friends besides the people on your hall. It's come to the point of being so awkward that you mini-morph into an ant. And then he steps on you. Ouch.
11 Getting caught laundering money. You could be sent to jail.
12 Getting caught laundering clothes. No one does their laundry freshman year.
13 Getting caught smelling people's underwear. Just don't get caught f-up.
14 Not being chosen as a freshmen superlative. We swear to God we love you guys. Can we join your facebook group?
15 Getting lost, walking around campus with the class schedule, asking directions, repeating your whole life story to innocent upperclassmen and then telling yourself it wasn't that big of a deal. News flash -- we were laughing at you.
Understanding your score is fun.
11-15: 34th Street
6-10: The DP
0-5: Rosie O'Donnell
