I have the most romantic date planned for Valentine's day.
First, I'm going to buy her a new coaxial cable. The cheap one I got from Radio Shack over the summer has just about run its course. I can barely even watch the national channels anymore. I don't know how to survive without my O.C.
I'm going to get her a new hat -- a couple new hats. One will be a DVD player, the other a multichannel adapter. I need to be able to switch between DVDs and video games by pressing a single button, and she likes it when I press her buttons.
And I can't forget new batteries for the remote. She calls the remote "tingly." The remote turns her on.
For dinner, we'll have some 7:00 Simpsons followed by 7:30 Seinfeld. She loves showing Seinfeld. "That Kramer," she implies. "He's always doing the silliest things. His head is smoking, do you see?"
After dinner comes the highlight of the evening: a night of our favorite DVDs, video games and primetime television, over just in time to turn her off.
Look, I'm not whining that my Valentine's date is my TV. Please don't take it that way. Why can't it be OK for a man to love his TV on Valentine's day? Is there something else I should be looking for? A girl? Ugh, so much effort! Plus, it means I can eat more of the chocolates I bought for us. This is nothing to be ashamed of.
My TV doesn't complain when the linguini is too al dente, or when the wine is from a bad year. It doesn't scan the room for dirty clothes on the floor or other red flags that would kill the mood. It doesn't evaluate the careful preparations you made for the evening with a devastatingly ambiguous "This is nice. You're a nice guy." Instead, it shows up on time, is happy (in the indifferent sense) with whatever arrangements you see fit, and will sleep when you want to sleep.
But I'm being too cynical. Valentine's, even if invented by Hallmark, is a very gorgeous holiday in its underlying simplicity. Celebrate those you like-like or love, add a little spark to the ol' relationship. But guys (and there's no need to even say this): The pressure is very real. You are being evaluated, and with unusual formality. If you make it to the next day and the relationship hasn't gotten dramatically worse, you've passed with flying colors.
Hopefully my TV won't up and leave the next day. If I forget those new remote batteries though, I'm screwed.
-- Jim
