GIve me Meryl
Prime
Richard L. Solomon Laboratories of
Experimental Psychology
Friday, 3 p.m. - 5 p.m., $29.99
(900) 647-2536
Are you daunted by the prospect of countless years in grad school? Do you think that PSYC 001 has already amply prepared you to scribble on a notepad while uttering some insightful musings under your breath? Well aspiring therapists, you're in luck. Now you don't have to go to school to get your Ph.D. - this cutting-edge 12-step program, "Prime," teaches you how to look, act and think like a real psychoanalyst! Famous graduates of "Prime" include Sigmund Freud (who was so satisfied with the program he enrolled his daughter Anna when she was nine), Carl Jung (who tried to be Freud) and Andrew Shatte. Not only will you be "primed and ready" to start seeing patients, but you'll also receive a set of 20 Rorschach inkblots and diagnosis book - absolutely free! Afterwards, participants are encouraged to just lounge on the couch and talk about their childhoods.
- Meryl Minelli
still not enough
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Lake Lachrymose
Until the leeches arrive, Sat, 10 p.m. - 2 a.m., free
1-800-ANWHISTLE
www.auntjosephinelives.com
There is no better place to spend your rockin' Saturday night than at creepy Lake Lachrymose. Never mind the disgusting, bloodsucking leeches, nothing is more terrifying than welcome mats, doorknobs, couches or. realtors (gasp!). Admission is free, so long as the insurance company doesn't find out about that nasty leech problem I just alluded to. Paxil, Xanax, and other anti-anxiety drugs are highly recommended - phobias run amuck at Lake Lachrymose. Also, be on the lookout for suicide notes and torn life-jacket remnants. Dude, that shit is whack. But, seriously. Bring a date, come prepared (make sure there are no holes in your boat, that you don't smell like meat, etc.), and enjoy an evening of neurosis and fear at the most bizarre body of water this side of the Mississippi.
- Meryl Gulia
GIVE ME some more
The Ant Bully
My Backyard
Until it's too cold, Mon-Fri, 7 a.m.-10 a.m., free
(555) IAM-QUEEN
www.HowToBeAnAnt.com
So you, like most people, think that sitting on the grass makes your ass itch. Well, you don't know what you're missing. Check out My Backyard. There's some pretty cool shit, especially if you like to lay face down on the ground. I like to look at the ants doing their thing. Sometimes I spray them with water from the official My Backyard garden hose and watch them drown as they attempt to scurry away, which you can do for free five days a week in My Backyard (the owners take the weekends off to deal with their cockroach problem). But the best is getting to watch the ants crawl all over the ant hill. You just know that they're carrying some shit on their heads to bring to the queen. I bet that's gotta be pretty freakin' awesome, being the queen I mean. Everyone brings shit to you. You don't take crap from nobody. I bet she speaks in a really condescending, annoyingly harmonious voice. Gotta get me one of those. I recommend that you do, too.
-Meryl Rowling
getting warmer
The Manchurian Candidate
Capitol Hill
The first Tuesday after the first Monday in November, all day, free
(555) SHAW-4-VP
www.crazyassbitchmothers.com
Politics and corruption go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly. Yeah. And with this corruption comes the possibility of brainwashing, assassinations and Oedipal complexes. Hobnob with politicians and lobbyists alike, but make sure to steer clear of the scumbags from Manchurian Global-template Halliburton. They could tell you what they actually did, but then they'd have to kill you! Just kidding. Well, not really. The real thrill of the day will involve a special senatorial mother's luncheon. They may be wearing tweed Chanel and pearls, but don't be fooled by these ruthless chicks. They will cut you. Just kidding. Okay, not really. Still, come one, come all. Especially those of you full of ambition and devoid of morals.
- M.M.
.It's meryl time
The Devil Wears Prada
The Cond‚ Nast Building
New York, NY
Mon-Fri, 10 a.m. - 4 a.m., your sanity
(HOW) TOB-ITCH
www.condenasty.com
After vomiting up your lunch (precisely two celery sticks), head on down to the Cond‚ Nast Building for an impromptu meeting with Anna Wintour (i.e. the devil incarnate). First, take a moment to laugh at the fact that these hoity toities have their offices in the middle of the kitschiest section of Times Square (Upper East Side purebreds, my ass). Collect yourself and walk through the revolving doors into the world's preeminent "Daddy's got a platinum card" mecca. Show up with the latest Chloe scarf in hand and you'll be able to convince the office slut to trade you her security badge. Then proceed through the security checkpoint and up the elevators. Don't draw any unnecessary attention to yourself. When you least expect it, Ms. Wintour will accost you with her wishes and bam, you've got your inspiration. Watch The Omen a few times just to be sure. - M.R.
