It's family weekend. Your main objective: convince your parents that the $50,000 they shell out each year provides you with the academic and social enrichment that you will need to enter the world as a respectable (and hopefully well-paid) citizen. Unfortunately, you can't let your parents know that their hard-earned money also finances your binge drinking, drug use, and birth control. Whether it's your first semester here at Penn or your fifth, Parent's Weekend is, if nothing else, a collision of your two worlds. For the last few months, no one has had control over whether your bed is made each morning, whether your underwear is picked up off the floor, or whether you've been making it home by curfew and all-around behaving yourself. And no one ever has to know. The key is fooling them into believing that their hard work as parents over the last two decades has paid off. We owe them that pleasant illusion.
Here are a few tips:
* So your parents probably know that you drink. But do you really want to show off your collection of empty Jack Daniel's bottles to them? It may impress your potential future frat brothers, but mom and dad at least like to pretend you don't partake in any underage drinking. Ditch the empty handles, hide your shot glasses and finish whatever you have left in your freezer. Thursday nights require absolute belligerency anyway. Believe me, mom wants to check up on her baby's eating habits and will open your fridge. And that bag you keep in your room overflowing with beer cans? RECYCLE IT. You can show your parents your newfound environmentalism with a bag full of water bottles and Odwalla containers instead.
* Your parents probably grew up in the 60's - they've seen weed and they've probably smoked it. That doesn't mean they are eager to toke up with you. In fact, they probably don't even want to know about your habit at all. Weed smells (duh!) so crack open your windows well in advance and purchase a small bottle of air freshener. You may have become immune to the smell of incense mixed with your roommate's dirty socks and the faint aroma of when you got sick in the trashcan two weekends ago, but your parents are most definitely not.
* Even more important than dealing with the smell is finding a new hiding spot for your stash. You know that one guy whose parents decided that traveling across the planet for a weekend wasn't worth it? Find a cozy spot behind his closed door for your precious indulgences. Don't worry, once they leave you can return to your herbally enhanced lifestyle.
* You should probably clean your sheets. Whether you've been using them for your own collegiate sexual liberation or not, your mom WILL notice every speck or spot and possibly insist on washing your sheets for you. Fork over the $2.50 to the rumbling machine in the basement and spare yourself that awkward conversation.
* While your parents would probably prefer that you avoid pregnancy during your formative years here at Penn, they would like to believe that this is due to complete abstinence. And while we're sure they would be happy to know that you're using protection, you should probably get rid of any empty wrappers from those Lifestyles your RA gave out during NSO. Also, undies belonging to the opposite sex are a dead giveaway you've been doing more than sleeping in your bed.
*Organize your desk. It sounds scary, we know. But when we say "organize," we mean take your most recent A-paper or exam and have it casually lying under the lamp. Put your folders in piles. Clear the desk of the six old coffee cups you've collected and have been too lazy to bring to the sink.
