At Penn, it seems that living off-campus is the thing to do. You can't escape the hype. Think you're safe during a harmless, hung-over search for challah French toast? Think again. At least you can take comfort that it's not the syrup but the not-so-subliminal message of the mural on Izzy and Zoe's wall that's so cloying.
As for me? I'm far from impervious to this. I've bought into the culture as much as anybody. In fact, I've called west of 40th my home ever since shedding the freshman cocoon of the Quad.
So is it true that you're cooler if you live off-campus? Maybe. But that's probably because your heater isn't working.
If cool is needing quarters to do laundry in my own home, then yes, I am awesome. If cool is not being able to do laundry in my own home because maintenance hasn't collected the quarters in months and no more will fit in, then I am so cool that you haven't even heard of me yet. I'm that underground.
This, of course, is somewhat out of necessity, since I can't show my face with dirty clothes on. I do have standards.
Truth be told, however, living off-campus isn't all bad. If you ignore the mice, water leaks and the constant risk to your credit score that comes with the responsibility of paying your own bills, there are many glamorous aspects to the experience. Such as freedom: You can do whatever you want. within the boundaries of your lease agreement, of course. Don't be too put off; you retain the right to imbibe whenever you want!
And don't forget the great exercise you get walking to class.
But the best parts? 1. No floor-length windows. You can have all the sex you want against the privacy of eggshell-colored walls. 2. Distance from any on-campus protests. You can't even be tempted to yell potentially offensive words to protesters.
As you can see, the simple fact of living off-campus removes factors that contributed to two of Penn's most (in)famous scandals: the High-Rise Sex Photos and the Water Buffalo Incident. Curious? Put on your latex gloves because our feature (page 10) unearths eight other pieces of Penn's dirty laundry.
Since my washing machine refuses to intake more quarters, I feel particularly sympathetic towards dirty laundry right now. But Penn: What's your excuse?
Here's to you,
Kerry
