Have you ever found yourself wishing that you were sightless and locked in an abandoned mental institution while post-apocalyptic chaos, dredged from the seediest underbelly of humanity itself, masticated and regurgitated the values that you held most dear?
Yeah, me neither.
But that's exactly the misfortune of Blindness, starring the anguished expressions of Julienne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, and an eyepatch-wearing Danny Glover. Now, I know what you're thinking: 'A pirate Danny Glover? That's cinematic gold - why arrren't you giving it five stars?'
First, stop talking like a pirate. 'Talk Like a Pirate' Day was a few weeks ago - that (pirate) ship has sailed. Blindness chronicles a world in which a mysterious virus systematically robs the entire population of vision. Initially, the afflicted are quarantined in the bathroom from Saw while the government hyperventilates into a paper bag. Fortunately, Julienne Moore's character, immune to the virus, feigns blindness in a subversive effort to join her sightless husband (Ruffalo). Predictably, the dilapidated ward soon erupts into anarchy, leaving Moore as our moral compass (and, yes, pirate Danny Glover, largely wasted in this role).
The actors stumble around, limbs akimbo, groaning softly, so much so that you wonder if someone switched in a reel from Night of the Living Dead. Mmmm, braaaains. Unfortunately, the film spends so much time graphically illustrating how thoroughly evil people can be that when redemption finally arrives, it's disingenuous. The protracted gang rape scene is especially horrendous and smacks of desperation for blatant shock value. To make the two-hour experience even more depressing, the lighting alternates between a dark abyss and blinding fluorescents, while the camerawork mimics an epileptic seizure. We get it - they're blind. Now we're blind too and we've spilled our $7 popcorn. Thanks.
