You don’t even know how it happened. You swore you weren’t going to get into it last night. You were out with your girlfriend and she hates when you do this. One beer too many and one smart ass townie talking shit and before you can stop it, the fight is underway. Bar stools are broken. Your class ring is imprinted in his face, but your eye isn’t looking too good either. You’ve got blood on your t-shirt. Now that it’s the morning after, you hate to admit it to your usually hot reflection, but you look like hell. Not to mention your throbbing, the light-is-too-bright-and-the-sounds-are-so-loud hangover. There is a solution to this epic problem.
THE HANGOVER
Some might say, “Drink water!” “Take Advil!” “Chug a Gatorade!” They would be wrong. Common myth will tell you that a hangover is your body’s way of saying, “You’re dehydrated, you dumbass. Put down the bottle.” But the truth is that a hangover is actually your body’s cry for alcoholic attention. If you wake up before noon, stick to beer instead of hard alcohol. The only exception to that is if you’re making a screwdriver, since orange juice is good for you. Whatever you do — even if you puke — just keep drinking. It will get better (before it gets worse).
THE BRUISES
While the tendency may be to ice that shiner so the swelling and black-and-blue mark die down, you should skip the ice-pack. Those marks are badges of honor; they are proof that you threw down, dominated and survived to tell the tale — but not without getting a few punches in first. If you can, snag someone’s dark eye shadow to emphasize the bruise when it starts to fade. The longer it lasts, the better.
THE REVENGE
Whatever you do, don’t apologize. You were right, obviously, and saying you’re sorry is pretty much the biggest sign of weakness there is. Ditto for forgiveness. What you need to do is start telling as many people as possible your side of the story so that everyone on campus remains loyal to you. Gather up a pack (of no fewer than three, no more than eight others) to go to the bars next weekend. Have The Keg be the last one you hit, and make sure you’re sufficiently hammered by the time you get there. Don’t go looking for trouble, but trust that he will come back to you. Guys like that never learn.
