There are 23 hours worth of performances in the Quad on Friday and Saturday. Mapping out all those musical acts can be surprisingly difficult, even when you’re completely sober. So, we here at Music did the legwork for you. Here’s a list of some of the acts you really should pull your drunken self together for. We’ve also proposed an ideal schedule — see below — that minimizes time wasted waiting around and maximizes your concert–going utility.

** denotes must–see


Gillian Grassie 12–12:20 (Lower Quad)

Normally we’d say that noon is too early to start listening to a harpist while you’re drunk (that sort of crazy shit tends to go down during the nighttime). Grassie, a recent graduate of Bryn Mawr, makes a convincing case otherwise. For fans of Regina Spektor.


**Penn Samba 12:30–12:50 (L)

Penn’s Brazilian musical troupe will unquestionably provide the most danceable show of the weekend (yes, that includes Flo Rida). You better go and add some Carnaval to your carnival.


Off The Beat 1:40–2:05 (Upper Quad)

We don’t want to reveal our anti–a cappella bias (Whoops! Just did!), but if you absolutely insist on seeing a bunch of people sing without instruments and care about themselves excessively, then you can make that bunch of people Off The Beat. Because as much as it pains us to admit it, they’re actually pretty talented.


Penn Dhamaka 3:35–3:50 (U)

Dhamaka is probably the best among Penn’s South Asian dance teams. If you’re high enough when you see them, it’ll be like you’re in a Bollywood movie!


**The Buck Claytons 3:55–4:15 (L)

The Buck Claytons play a brand of chill bluesy rock that goes well with a yard glass. Coronas are acceptable as well. They sound kind of like John Mayer, but with more of a ball sack.


Why You Should See Them: “The Buck Claytons combine angelic melodies with mind–blowing acrobatics to make Cirque du Soleil look like your 3rd grade rendition of The Nutcracker.” —David Berliner, C '12 and drummer of The Buck Claytons.


Yes and The Nose 12:30–12:50 (L)

We don’t have much to go on other than the description on their Facebook Event page: “Imagine if a Triceratops had a fistfight with a TORNADO.” If it’s even half that good it’ll probably still be worth attending.


Strictly Funk 12:50–1:00

Even though their longer shows are typically better than their short ones, a 10–minute dose of Strictly Funk can never do you harm.


**Fat Panther 4:20–4:50 (L)

Fat Panther is another standout among campus bands that aren’t just cover bands. And like The Buck Claytons, their music has the correct chillage frequency for Fling. For an early taste, check out drummer Greg Barber’s solo set on Friday in the Upper Quad at 2:40.

Why You Should See Them: "When people have been running around drunk for two or three days straight, emphatically partaking in questionable and/or exhausting activities, utterly sleep–deprived and morally debased, what’s the one thing they need to soothe and restore their aching bodies and souls?  More thunderously loud noise.  That’s where we can help.” —Myles Karp, drums/guitar/vocals,  Fat Panther


**Mask & Wig 5:00–6:00 (L)

This is kind of a no–brainer. One of Penn’s best performance groups, Mask & Wig will not let you down with their antics.


Pass on: Penny Loafers 4:45–5:00 (U)

It’s a distinct possibility that you’ll be wandering around the Quad at 4:45 on Saturday. Wherever you wander, you probably shouldn’t wander to the Upper Quad to see the Penny Loafers, who are responsible for the digital atrocity known as “Penn’s Stepping Up.” We’re still waiting for an apology from you guys.


Ideal Schedule:

Friday: Get to the Lower Quad shortly after noon to get your harp on, and then stick around for Penn Samba. For the next three hours, keep watching the performances or do something else. Stumble back to the Lower Quad for The Buck Claytons at 3:55.

Saturday: Fat Panther comes on at 4:20 and Mask & Wig follows them at 5. The rest of the day is up to you.