If Facebook is where we post pictures that show us at our hottest, Snapchat is where we expose our eight chins and third nipple to our friends for three seconds. If Snapchat didn’t exist, people might actually think I was attractive. But we all have those Snapchat friends we simply fucking hate. Although there are different types of Snapchat offenders, one thing remains true for all: opening their Snapchats brings us the pleasure equivalent of making a says/does outline. Just because the image gets destroyed after five seconds doesn’t mean those five seconds don’t suck.

Everyone has the friend whom they haven’t spoken to in years that sends an average of five drunk snapchats per night, with captions such as “drunq,” “where I am” and “cawledge.” Please, let’s not rekindle our middle school friendship via Snapchat. Despite the fact that you never effing respond to these fascinating messages, opening them becomes a chore much like dealing with your too–sloppy friend when she’s blackout.

Or what about the friend who expresses details of their personal life via Snapchat video? Snapchat videos are actually the worst. Don’t expect me to enjoy turning on the volume of my phone to listen to you cry over a mass–snapchat video about your ex–boyfriend. He probably broke up with you because your Snapchats are so fucking annoying. I would.

However, the emotional snapchatter and the mass snapchatter are tame in comparison to my least favorite snapchatter, the potentially homeless Tinder man. One of my Tinder matches, who seemed attractive and rugged in his singular Tinder photo, requested my Snapchat username—and in a moment of Van Pelt–induced loneliness, I gave it him. To this day, I receive Snapchats from this Tinder loser, an extremely bearded middle–aged man who resembles Moses on a good day, with captions like “what are you doing?” or “please snap me back.” I should probably learn to use the block mechanism, but his snaps serve as a reminder of why I should never go on Tinder. Thank you, Snapchat and creepy Michael Moore look–alike, for teaching me such a valuable life lesson.