1:29 p.m.: Waltz into the “health spa” just in time for my first colonic. I get Brazilians and Pap smears on the reg. I got this.

1:31 p.m.: Directed to a room where I’m told to remove my pants and “get comfortable.” What the hell are these weird contraptions?

1:33 p.m.: Lying ass–naked on a crinkly piece of wax paper. Romper was not the move.

1:34 p.m.: K it’s cold where is this woman?

1:37 p.m.: The lady comes in and helps me into the fetal position. facing the wall. More like fecal position.

1:38 p.m.: She inserts a plastic tube capped with a metal piece into my asshole. This was definitely a medieval torture device.

1:39 p.m.: “Is this your first colonic?" I must have a very tight asshole.

1:40 p.m.: She is literally sitting on a stool with her face in my ass, human–centipede style.

1:41 p.m.: Water rushes through the tube and starts inflating me like a water balloon via my asshole.

1:42 p.m.: I’m imploding.

1:46 p.m.: Sudden alteration in pressure. Holy shit, I’m exploding.

1:50 p.m.: “I can see you’re not a vegetarian.” I look over and see last night’s filet–not–so–mignon flushing through the tube. No food left in my stomach to throw up.

1:52 p.m.: This is getting intimate. I attempt conversation.

1:53 p.m.: “Have you seen the movie constipation?” “No.” “It hasn’t come out yet.” She doesn’t laugh.

1:58 p.m.: A second explosion breaks the silence.

2:01 p.m.: This is weirdly pleasurable. Begin considering anal sex.

2:02 p.m.: 13 minutes to go. This is like an enema on steroids—no, laxatives.

2:03 p.m.: Refrain from making more poop jokes and endure 12 minutes of painful silence.

2:07 p.m.: Feeling violated.

2:15 p.m.: She finally removes tube. Seriously consider buying an adult diaper en route home in case of leakage.

2:16 p.m.: Step on the scale and discover that I lost five pounds in 45 minutes. Never paying for a gym membership again. I'll take bowel movement over actual movement any day.


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