1:29 p.m.: Waltz into the “health spa” just in time for my first colonic. I get Brazilians and Pap smears on the reg. I got this.
1:31 p.m.: Directed to a room where I’m told to remove my pants and “get comfortable.” What the hell are these weird contraptions?
1:33 p.m.: Lying ass–naked on a crinkly piece of wax paper. Romper was not the move.
1:34 p.m.: K it’s cold where is this woman?
1:37 p.m.: The lady comes in and helps me into the fetal position. facing the wall. More like fecal position.
1:38 p.m.: She inserts a plastic tube capped with a metal piece into my asshole. This was definitely a medieval torture device.
1:39 p.m.: “Is this your first colonic?" I must have a very tight asshole.
1:40 p.m.: She is literally sitting on a stool with her face in my ass, human–centipede style.
1:41 p.m.: Water rushes through the tube and starts inflating me like a water balloon via my asshole.
1:42 p.m.: I’m imploding.
1:46 p.m.: Sudden alteration in pressure. Holy shit, I’m exploding.
1:50 p.m.: “I can see you’re not a vegetarian.” I look over and see last night’s filet–not–so–mignon flushing through the tube. No food left in my stomach to throw up.
1:52 p.m.: This is getting intimate. I attempt conversation.
1:53 p.m.: “Have you seen the movie constipation?” “No.” “It hasn’t come out yet.” She doesn’t laugh.
1:58 p.m.: A second explosion breaks the silence.
2:01 p.m.: This is weirdly pleasurable. Begin considering anal sex.
2:02 p.m.: 13 minutes to go. This is like an enema on steroids—no, laxatives.
2:03 p.m.: Refrain from making more poop jokes and endure 12 minutes of painful silence.
2:07 p.m.: Feeling violated.
2:15 p.m.: She finally removes tube. Seriously consider buying an adult diaper en route home in case of leakage.
2:16 p.m.: Step on the scale and discover that I lost five pounds in 45 minutes. Never paying for a gym membership again. I'll take bowel movement over actual movement any day.