Course selection period is coming to an end, you’re still attending lecture and maybe you’re lucky enough to have a hot TA. But did you really think Penn is starting to settle down? Don’t worry, Highbrow is here to start some drama.

76ersMichael Carter Williams may be NBA Rookie of Year but he’s clearly a player at Penn as well. This weekend the basketball star attended two off–campus parties and scored with an AXO girl. Sources tells us that the duo had a slam dunk of a weekend. MCW agreed to AXObey the desires of his temptress, and they left the party together. Dribble, shoot, score.

Have you ever been to Wawa sober? Neither have we. One Penn student was irate when he discovered flies in his hoagie. When the hungry scholar tried sending the sandwich back, Wawa employees refused to remake it and claimed that there were no insects present. Highbrow will always side with Wawa—there’s nothing better than a mac 'n cheese bowl with chicken tenders, with or without flies.

All this drunk eating makes Highbrow wanna go poopy. Perhaps we'll take a load off in the Nipple, where a serial shitter has reportedly been marking his territory everywhere. Lounges. Showers. Walls. Nowhere is safe. Who knows where Pooperman will strike next? Highbrow hopes he takes his turdy tactics somewhere else. Like a toilet.

Drunk girl, meet drunk boy. At a date night, a schwasty sophomore fell back into his chair after ripping a few too many shots. We hear three brothers had to physically remove him from the dinner and locked him in a closet. Suffering from FOMO, the drunken brother repeatedly punched the door to be let back inside. The real question: did anyone let him out yet?

Speaking of brotherly love, Highbrow spotted five Theos seniors walking out of Pottruck, armed with smoothies, just before they hopped into an Audi parked outside. Too bad it was an A4. Maybe Daddy will get you an R8 for Hanukkah.