Dear readers: you’re the Rosh Hashanah to my Yom Kippur. The new year brings a new Highbrow, and our gossip will be juicier than your apples and honey. But don’t be a schmuck—unless you want to be in the Round Up.

Always be the life of the party—unless you weren’t invited. A group of drunk student s stumbled over to City Tap House on Saturday, crashing two wedding receptions . The drinks were flowing, and one lonely boy enjoyed the open bar a little too much. The gin and tonics pushed him over the edge, and he puked on another party–goer’s leg . The drunkard quickly slipped away before anyone else noticed. Word to the wise: don’t show up if you’re going to throw up.

Penn’s original yente has a Jewish update for you: some pre–frosh visited the Orthodox community at Penn this past weekend. Their hosts hoped to give them a taste of Jewish life on campus, but it seems like a few visitors had too much wine at Shabbat. Sources tell us that up to three of the guests were MERTed during their stay. Next time you need someone to hold your yarmulke while puking, just challah at Highbrow.

Desperate times call for desperate measures—what would you do to get into Apes’ paint party? One sophomore girl allegedly slept with a student in order to obtain two wristbands for the annual event. Our friend left satisfied with her new arm candy....until she found out they were fake. Talk about seriously getting fucked over.

It seems like our friend could have used her sexual persuasion elsewhere, as Highbrow hears that the paint party’s hired bouncer was a little preoccupied himself. Bored of keeping the party exclusive, he had a local lady friend meet him for a make out session . The duo proceeded to hook up for the remainder of the evening, and the professional bouncer completely ignored his job. In conclusion: Apes still isn’t exclusive.

If you’re blacked out, don’t get locked out. One off-campus house called the police when they thought someone was trying to break down their door. Cop cars and officers rushed to the scene, only to find a drunk swim team member—breaking into his own home . An officer recognized him and asked “hey, didn’t I send you to the hospital before?” The swimmer responded “Yeah, 3 times! Fuck you!” before slamming the front door. Please carbo–load before a night out, not just swim practice.

Correction: The Round Up originally misstated a fraternity affiliation in the third story about paint party wristbands. The person mentioned was not affiliated with Apes. The article has been updated to reflect this change.