Sometimes I hear people tell stories, or read them in magazines or watch them on TV and feel like nothing that crazy ever happens to me. You know those people who always have the weirdest shit happen to them? For the longest time I was bitter that my life didn't lend itself to really weird shit happening. Was I doing something wrong? Was I hanging out in the wrong places? 

Well all that changed the other day in the most normal place as I was doing the most normal thing. There I was, killing my 10–minute break between classes by reading on my phone on a bench outside of DRL. Nearby, a woman was muttering to herself on another bench. I made nothing of it. Moments later, she's screaming at me, attempting to push me down, all while holding up her grey sweatshirt to reveal two enormous saggy breasts that then started barreling towards my face. I shit you not, a homeless woman (clearly in need of help, which I sincerely hope she receives) tried to put her tits on me in broad daylight on Shoemaker Green. 

Naturally, I yelled "oh my god," ran away and looked for condolence from the only other person who saw what happened. He was a PiKapp senior who quickly walked away from me in my moment of need—fuck you, dude. 

Why am I telling you, reader, this story? Well, it's been over a week since this occurred and I am still trying to find a way to cope. Part of me is sad for this woman, who obviously is dealing with some shit too. Part of me is scared to ever go back to DRL. And part of me just wants to laugh. Seriously, we're talking huge tits.  

What I did take away from the whole event—besides a pornographic image scarred into my brain and a funny story for parties—is a profound understanding that Penn is not just Penn students' turf. We are far from alone in West Philadelphia, and the relationship, though strained, is crucial to our school and our experience of our school. Check out the feature on page 12 if you're interested in reading more. 

Tits for now, 


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