Day 1:
Go out for cheeseburgers. Tell him about all your dietary restrictions and how he should be supporting you in not bathing calves in their mothers milk.
Day 2:
Tell him how sexy he would look with those little curl things. Play with his hair every night, it’s hard to keep those curls. (Ed. Note: These are called “Payot,” you shiksa.)
Day 3:
Add “owitz” to whatever his last name is. Ellis Island took it away from your family, why not add it to his?
Day 4:
Speak only as Fran Drescher. Sing only as Barbara Streisand.
Day 5:
Talk about all the kids you will have one day and how you will name all of them Joshua.
Day 6:
Force him to come crash bar mitzvah parties with you. Dance with the pre–pubescent Jewish boys more than with him.
Day 7:
Never text him back, blame it on Shabbas. He won’t know that’s not on a Tuesday.
Day 8:
End every argument with “that’s what a Nazi would said.” It will make literally everyone uncomfortable.
Day 9:
There are a ton of crazy laws in the Jew Bible that no one follows; use a couple. Don’t mix fabrics in the same piece of clothes or really strict laws about plants. There are 613 laws, the world is your oyster.
Day 10:
Notice that he is uncircumcised. He will be gone before you can say late–in–life bris.
