It’s that time of year again—when it’s not 70 degrees and sunny, it’s 40 and raining. College tours are in full force, so good luck walking to class without hitting an Asian tourist taking a photo of the Love Statue with a selfie stick. Soon enough, our days will be filled with cornholes and our cornholes will be filled with selfie sticks.
First things first: let’s get the old news out of the way. AXO is going off–campus blah blah blah.
Anyway, shit went down at Smokes' this weekend. A little bird told us that a small, small boy tried to fight a football–player/Neanderthal. After the two got into a verbal argument, Dopey the Dwarf chucked beer across the bar, effectively soaking everyone around him. The tiny man repeated to his friends, “Hold me back! I’m going at him!” while his friends looked on in amusement but refused to engage. Finally, angry elf and the 6’7” Viking successfully avoided a fight and resolved their (height) differences. Moral of this fairytale: pick on someone your own size.
Penn’s hottest club? PiKapp. They have everything: brews, bros and brawls. It seems that PiKapp had to cap their party this past weekend. “Do you know a brother?”—apparently, even if you do, this might not be enough to gain access into their exclusive parties. When a group of A’s boys were denied entry to PiKapp, they became enraged. This rage spurred a blood bath, which was ultimately broken up before any real damage could be done. Didn’t you know that Quakers are pacifists? We hope this doesn’t escalate into a full–blown war (of the roses).
You can try to mask yourself, but when the curtain is pulled back, all will be revealed. Highbrow hears a few party–goers were feeling extra generous at a Masquerade–themed charity event last week. Aroused by the anonymity the evening afforded them, a duo snuck off for an impromptu rendezvous. In other words, they fucked each other behind a curtain at the venue. One suspicious attendee pulled the curtain aside—only to find the lovers mid–coitus. They might have been backstage, but their performance upstaged the event.
The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.