Coughing, sneezing, amputated limbs, OH MY! New diseases have been affecting the Penn population. But don't fear, Lowbrow has the cures!
OCRitis
This new perennial affliction has been popping up all over Huntsman. The chunks of hair, missing tonsils and stiff middle–toe joints are easily identifiable as well as curable. Want to stop the madness? You have to eat a goldfish taken from a child at a state fair. It's the only way.
Coffee Chat Syndrome
So much coffee, so little time! Sometimes you just can't stop small talking. Camel–colored leather muzzles work great!
(Business) Casual Hemorrhaging
That vein popping out of your roommate's forehead? It's not from watching too much Sex and the City. It's from running around campus, trying to think of outfits screaming, "Oh my God! Do you know what these are? Manolo Blahnik Mary Janes! I thought these were an urban shoe myth!" The cure? Tell him to stop being such a Carrie. Nobody likes a Carrie.
Info Sessionasethsia
Why is that classmate taking notes on a Heinz bottle? Because he got it at the info session and now can't put it down. This new strange habit of clinging to free swag is one of the harder impairments to cure. Interventions have proven effective in conjunction with making them watch their worldly possessions burn to ash and then forcing them to snort it.
