Listen up, fresh meat—there are few things more important at Penn than the Round Up. Throughout the year, we will be providing you with Penn’s most scandalous gossip. Take off your offensive Dior sunglasses, because Highbrow is about to throw some serious shade.

Looks like one new student isn’t bound to Excel. Rather than attending the activities fair, some over–eager freshmen attended a highly competitive consulting firm’s info session targeted for senior recruits. Suffocated by the seniors’ anxiety and overwhelmed by the number of Wharton padfolios, one freshman allegedly fainted into the arms of someone standing next to him. The room gasped and the info session speaker quickly sought help. Thankfully the poor soul was okay, but we aren’t McKidding around when we say this might be the Bain of his existence.

Rule #1 of Copa: mo’jitos, mo’problems. Unfortunately, one girl forgot how to Cope–a with the margs and began to vomitar in the treasured venue. As she ran out puking, the drunk girl yacked all over the clothes of another student, who happens to serve as an editor of The Walk. Stumbling on 40th Street, the sick chick accidentally flashed her ass to the other diners—talk about dinner and a show! We hope someone was able to alco-haul her home.

In other bodily fluid news...we found a party pooper. During NSO, Highbrow hears one freshman girl forgot just how *real* post–party poops are. After a day of drinking, this poopetrator couldn’t reach a bathroom fast enough. In the middle of Irving Street, she pulled up her dress, squatted in her heels and took a dump before running towards Locust. Shit happens, but next time please remember there’s a reason Beige Block isn’t called Brown Block.

Big girls don’t cry, but they sometimes crawl. After coming home from a party, a sophomore changed into her onesie, put on her slippers and stepped outside for a cigarette. Upon re–entering the elevator in her apartment complex, the sophomore lost her balance and fell, breaking her foot and ankle while simultaneously dropping her phone down the elevator shaft. Thankfully, she managed to push the elevator button to her floor, crawl back to her apartment (à la the final scene of Saw) and seek medical help. Word to the wise: Don’t wear a onesie if you’re clumsy.

T he Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as  fact.


All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.