Jew year, Jew you! You might be a total goy, but we all know you’re going to cash in on any excuse to skip class. Near and far, Is-reali been a wild week...

Philly’s hottest club is right on campus. This past weekend, one M&T undergrad went all out for his birthday bash. He hired performers dressed in huge Dora the Explorer and Spongebob Squarepants outfits to pour shots of Belvedere down thirsty the throats of attendees and to twerk the night away. Looks like Dora matured into a little whore-ah! The party defied Campus Apartments’ fire codes—the characters brought bottles to partygoers with sparklers. We have one question: if you fucked Spongebob, which hole would you even use?

As the saying goes: it’s not gay unless it’s butt play. Or at least we think that’s a saying. At a party last weekend, one SAE bro was eager to enter a ZBT party. Unfortunately, the Mr. SAE may have been a little too eager when he was at the door. As he tried to enter the party, he got too close to a ZBT brother, who thought he was going straight in for an intimate kiss. We all know you just can’t slip it in like that. The ZBT bro was not drunk in love and punched his suitor in the face. We hope they actually kissed and made up.

Houston, we have a problem—I’m horny. One morning this week, a horny couple wanted to have a quickie before class. Unfortunately, both live off–campus and heading home to go to Pound Town was out of the question. As they roamed campus, the duo headed to Houston Hall, hoping to find a secluded area. On the second floor, the pair walked into the auditorium and proceeded to have sex. Not in a bathroom, not in a private room...in the middle of an auditorium. They got away with the dirty deed and made it to their 10:30am classes—should we add this our bucket list? We now have a different interpretation of “getting a snack in Houston.”

What happens abroad doesn’t stay abroad. Highbrow took a quick trip to Sevilla, Spain for some cultural immersion and a good gossip sesh. After a wild night at the discoteca, one chica loca left her friends and no one knew where she was. When she finally returned home the next morning around 9am, her concerned host family questioned where she had been. Our friend claimed she had a late night with her new amigos and brushed off the Spanish Inquisition. A few hours later, however, the mailman was at the host family’s house and told them he had seen the girl asleep on the ground outside of the house. She clearly didn’t get his stamp of approval.


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