Trick–or–treat yo’self with some sweet, sweet gossip. You may not have indulged in candy this weekend, but get ready for a sugar high. We hope this doesn’t leave a sour taste in your mouth.
Ding–dong, ditch that shlong. After the Dynamic Duos downtown, one sophomore girl brought a hammered senior boy back to the sorority house. The sophomore became sleepy–drunk and went to bed, but the boy was wide awake. He began to wander around the house and knock on girls’ doors in his drunken state. When asked who he was looking for, he couldn’t remember. After waking up a number of girls, someone finally escorted the senior out of the house. Get your mind out of the gutter—not that kind of escort. Dynamic Duos don’t always make perfect pairs.
Fires seem especially hot these days. At a pregame, a few fuckboys decided to mess around in the kitchen. Most people were in another room drinking, but a group of guys threw Qdoba on the floor and opened a fire extinguisher. Attendees realized something was wrong and left the house. A boy dressed as a cop greeted police officers when they arrived to the scene. They declared all was clear and soon left. Food for thought: someone should have been arrested for the poor choice of cuisine.
The police officer is at your party is never a stripper when you want him to be. As Quakers danced and drank at a 21st birthday party, an undercover cop snuck into the festivities. He chatted with other partygoers and mingled with the youth for a solid thirty minutes. Perhaps he needed a little liquid courage to turn into a complete asshole. Highbrow hears the cop revealed his identity and handed out up to twenty citations. The officer also charged the birthday girl for serving alcohol to minors. This year’s present? Cruel and unusual punishment.
PSA: we spotted a new type of sausage at Allegro. Sources tell us a gyrating penis has been popping up (and down) on campus. Omega Society’s pledging has begun, and one pledge had to cartwheel naked in front of Allegro and near the Compass. Oh baby, point us in the right direction. This task seems better than others—apparently pledges also had to eat chicken feet. Remember: put your best foot forward and know your pledgemasters are total cocks.
This just in: a HipCityVeg employee has been embezzling the company’s funds. Looks like white collar crime also occurs outside of Huntsman Hall. If you milk a company dry of all its money, is that still vegan?