Penn students truly demonstrated athletic talent this weekend—we crushed beer pong, persevered through a marathon of day drinking and stayed composed. Oh, and we won the football game. Let the victories continue, because everyone’s a winner in the Round Up.
You can’t roll your joint and light it too. Especially in the Rotunda, where smoking and alcohol are prohibited. At a SPEC concert, DJ Cousin Stizz couldn’t resist smoking marijuana before his performance. Smoke accumulated in the venue, setting off the Rotunda’s fire alarms. Everyone was forced to leave the building—this isn’t our idea of getting lit. Some say weed is a gateway drug, but we say it’s an evacuation route. We’re happy to report fire alarms across campus are functioning well.
Speaking of functioning well, one sophomore’s bowels seem to be robust. When nature calls, you have to answer. After homecoming day parties, one sophomore boy ended up in his frat brother’s room…with the urge to number two. Rather than mobilizing to the restroom, he took a full on dump on the desk in the bedroom. The boy proceeded to fall asleep, and his frat brothers later found him resting in defecation station. We hope dues were able to cover a pooper scooper.
We hear some alums were hoping for a Homo-coming. After drinking the day away, one gay graduate stopped by Harvest—looking to plow. He discussed his desire to hook up with a certain someone who wasn’t present. All of the alcohol he consumed could not quench his thirst, so the graduate proceeded to approach a random male at the bar, drop to his knees and pretend to suck his dick. Cum on, dude, he just wanted you to spread your seed.
Every hotel has a mini–bar, but not all come with candy bars. Over the weekend, a fraternity hosted a hotel–style party, with different drugs hidden in each room. An hour after the party started, cops showed up to the amphetamine scene. The pill–poppers remained calm, and a girl went outside to deal with the cops…completely topless and wearing weed leaf nipple pasties. The cops did marijuana shut down the party, but the pillicit activities went unnoticed. Count your blessings and repent your medi–sins.