Disney princesses have fallen on some hard times. In a post–recession global economy, it’s no longer feasible to spend all day whimsically singing and dancing around 22 bedroom/13–and–a–half bathroom castle in rural France. So some of Disney’s princesses have chosen to heed Rihanna’s advice and interview for jobs so they can “work, work, work, work, work, asdlfjaoadafo, work, work, work, work, work.”
Interviewer: So Belle, tell me why you would like to pursue a career in the marketing department at the Walt Disney Corporation.
Belle: I used to go to the market every day when I was a peasant taking care of my kooky papa!
Interviewer: You do know that marketing is not an actual market?
Belle: I know lots of things because I love to read and I have a kooky dad. You might think I’m stupid because I’m so beautiful, but I’m beautiful in a wistfully–gazing–in–the–distance–with–a–book–in–my–hands kind of way and not in a pub wench kind of way you know? I’ve held so many books while loudly complaining about how I think everyone in my town is an ignorant hick.
Interviewer: And have you faced any adversity in your life? How did you overcome those experiences?
Belle: A lot of people assume that being kidnapped and then held hostage by a beast was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But once the Stockholm Syndrome kicked in it really wasn’t that bad! I would say that identifying as beautiful AND literate has been my greatest challenge because, I mean, those things just don’t go together.
Interviewer: Did you bring your resume with you today?
Cinderella: No, but if my (raises voice) FAIRY GODMOTHER WAS HERE she could probably turn that stapler and a few strands of my hair into a resume (hands interviewer stapler and a few strands of hair).
Interviewer: Are you a team player?
Cinderella: If the team is made up of mice, yes!
Interviewer: The Disney offices are a fast–paced environment, are you up for that kind of lifestyle?
Cinderella: Well my feet have been pretty battered up since running around in glass slippers. Guess my FAIRY GODMOTHER didn’t think orthopedic shoes would be appropriate for a party. What’s beauty without pain right?! (starts maniacally laughing). ANYWAY, if I can seduce a man and be in bed by midnight then I’m sure I’m up for whatever is going on here.
Interviewer: Why do you want to go back to work?
Ariel: After watching a lot of upworthy videos I feel like I owe it to women everywhere to work given that I’ve made young girls think they’re only worth their bodies since 1989.
Interviewer: I see. So would you say you’re passionate about women’s equality in the workplace?
Ariel: I would say I’m more passionate about increasing mermaid awareness. Like just cause we’re not human doesn’t mean we’re not PEOPLE. I was shocked at the absence of merpeople in the modern workplace. Like it’s 2016! How are we nowhere on this?!
Interviewer: What would you say your biggest strengths and weaknesses are?
Ariel: Sometimes I don’t think things all the way through. Like one time I thought it would be a good idea to run away from home, sacrifice my ability to speak, and live with a strange man who had recently sustained a pretty serious head injury in a boating accident. But my strength has got to be my inquisitive spirit! I once used a fork as a comb, just one example of my innovative drive.
Interviewer: That’s great! Do you have any questions for me?
Ariel: What is a fire? And why does it…what’s the word…burn?