The "Penn–erational Legacy" One

You know her. We all do. Her family has been going to Penn for generations. You don’t think she had to even write a personal statement on the common app. She just wrote her last name with a winky face next to it and they sent her an acceptance letter. Her blood is rooted in Locust Walk. No, actually. The other day she tripped at the compass, shed some red, and continued to explain its superstitions.

The "Boot and Really Rally" One

R–E–S–P–E–C–T. Toga Party: blackout. Convocation: blackout. First Meeting with College Advisor: hungover. This guy is here to WORK HARD PLAY HARD and he’s letting you know. Or he’s embarrassed about his small dick size and is drowning his insecurities in a bodacious amount of Banker's.

The “My Older Brother Went Here. He was in Phi Delt” One

He can get you into all the rush events. Did he tell you that yet? I don’t think he did actually. He’ll remind you: He can get you into ALL the rush events. He knows what party is in and what party is out before the weekend has even started. Also, his brother’s best friend’s girlfriend was philanthropy of Tri–Delt three years ago so he’s about to be rolling in sex.

The “My Older Boyfriend Goes Here. He STILL LOVES ME” One

It’s actually, like, so so so so fortunate that they stayed together. Everyone told them they wouldn’t make it but their love was so strong. He was just amazing about the long distance so the two years went by in an instant. And no, of course she didn’t come here just for him. I mean, sure, for years she thought she was set on the Marine Biology program at UMiami, but hey, she’s thrilled to be in cold, dark, Philadelphia where the closest thing she’ll get to sea animals is the crew team. Oh no why is she crying? Oh, they broke up. Shocker.

The “I’ve Never Did Alcohol” One

Her grades were so good in high school. And it was totally worth it when she became valedictorian of her prestigious boarding school where she was a foreign exchange student. But now she is in COLLEGE. And she wanted to join the big leagues. So she starts the night off strong. One big shot. And another! And... whoops too late she’s already passed out.

The “I Did PennQuest, So I Get It” One

Oh you did PennQuest? Please tell me more about how you bonded by smelling like comparable amounts of shit. Oh you have a PennQuest BYO coming up? Please, tell me more about what a BYO is. No, really… I’m new to Penn I don’t know what a BYO is.

The “I’m From New York, So I Get It” One

They went to synagogue with most of one half of Theos and live on the same block on the Upper East Side as the other. They walked into Penn knowing EVERYONE (from Columbia Grammar) and they probably won’t even talk to you unless you share the same zip code. They have tickets to all the downtowns, pool party (of course), and are counting down the days until Brunch. And no, Long Island does not count as New York. Fine, Jericho counts.


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