Students at the University of Pennsylvania have been a–buzzing about the sudden drop in climate. Though NSO commenced with a high of 90 degrees, and the first week of classes brought a heat wave or two, recent temperatures have been getting cozy around the high sixties and low seventies. Though the easily–sweaty are thrilled with this thermal reduction, there is one group on campus that is severely concerned with global cooling and the recent drop: Penn fraternities.
A group of sophomore brothers (from a fraternity that chOZe to remain nameless), was seen protesting at the button yesterday. Shouting, “1, 2, 3, 4, we prefer you in short shorts/ 5, 6, 7, 8 skinny jeans are fine but not as great,” the students gathered together for a cause they felt truly affected everyone. One brother, near tears, agreed to sit down for an interview with Street. “I can’t wrap my head around it,” he started. “We’re already away for the summer, and then Mother Nature swoops in and takes away the few weeks of glory we have in the beginning? I’m not sexist, but this wouldn’t have happened if Father Nature hadn’t left her and stayed.”
Another unconsolable brother tried to rationalize with Street. “The thing is,” he began, “I don’t understand why their outfits need to change. My comforter upstairs can keep any girl warm if she gets cold.” We also received word that the president of the fraternity decided he had enough and was drafting his transfer application to the University of Southern California.
Some men, however, decided to take action. Zach Schultzman opened up to Street, “When I was speaking to my father about this, we came to the conclusion that something had to be done. He’s helping me sue Obama for this preposterous climate change.”
Though the protests continue, the fraternity has refused to release a public statement on the cause.